Isn't it pretty to think so?

And the number is....

beta results are..................

106

not bad for 7 dpt!! (w/ 6 day blasts...)

4 DPT

My mom and I had exciting plans today to go to brunch and then go to the grocery store. As we were all getting ready this morning, I had several thoughts: 1) I'm too hungry to wait to go to brunch and 2) I'm too tired to go to the grocery store. These thoughts were of course followed by the thought that: 3) shit, I need to go POAS!!
Ok, Internet...I really need some prayers and positive thoughts now. I got a positive test. Now, it's light, but I wouldn't expect otherwise this early in the game. That said, it's NOT an "imaginary" line. It's for real. There is no denying it. Before the congratulations start coming in, please remember, this is my SIXTH pregnancy. So, while I am thrilled, I am also petrified. And, I have to wait until Friday (that is six days away!!!) for my beta!
I will be testing tomorrow and praying that the line is still there and darker.

Converstation with myself in the bathroom

You know it's not going to tell you anything at this point, right? You know you are throwing money away and will get no piece of mind. You didn't trigger, so you are not checking to see if the hcg is out of your system yet, and at 2 dpt...2 DPT you cannot possibly get a positive. That said, if it is negative, you won't be disappointed because you KNOW it's going to be negative. It's what you are expecting. But if, by some amazing miracle of G-d (who I'm sure has nothing better to do), your embryos implanted IMMEDIATELY and started giving off HUGE amounts of hcg, maybe you could be the first person EVER to get a positive test at 2 dpt. They are 6 day blasts you know, so there is that possibility. But seriously, it is going to be negative, so just pee already and stop obsessing.

note: I think I just became the biggest idiot. Who else tests at 2 dpt? Here's a shocker (not): it was NEGATIVE.

Sadly, the valium has worn off…

**children mentioned

And I so enjoyed it while it lasted. Seriously, why don’t they put it in the freakin’ water? The world would be a much happier place!

So it is done. I had the transfer this morning. Two little blasts: one already completely hatched, the other just starting to come out of its shell. My experience basically went like this:

Got dressed. Put on my lucky underwear. Ok, I don’t know if they are really “lucky,” and it’s not as if they were on during the actual transfer or anything, but I’ve only worn them once before: my wedding. They were my “Something Blue,” and were guaranteed not to give me a wedgie (a big fear I had) as I stood under the chuppah. So, I put on my blue granny panties and got ready to go.
I then almost got killed 5000 times in the car ride there (note to self: think twice before asking housekeeper to drive again). Picked up two 32 oz bottles of Evian (sorry Environment, for purchasing plastic), swallowed 7 mg (a compromise b/w me and my RE) of valium and 4 advil, and arrived at RE’s office at 9:40.

I was met by a really nice nurse named Sue. I accidentally called her

Nancy

. Five minutes later, I met another nurse whose name actually was

Nancy

. I’m deciding to take that as a sign that I am extremely in tuned with the Universe today, and will therefore be getting what I want, which is a healthy (twin) pregnancy.

Sue (or Nancy) had me strip and then they walked me to the OR room to check my bladder. I cannot tell if it is full when I take valium. It was not full.

While I downed the second 32 ounces, the embryologist came and talked to me. We’ll call him: Dumbfuck. He handed me the picture of my babies (shit, I’m already in love), and I proceeded to ask him 47 or so questions. I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I said, “I’m sorry, I’m just afraid.” He said, “About what?” (hence the “dumb” part) I told him, “that it won’t work.” His response, “Well, it might not, that’s a real possibility,” (hence, the FUCK part). Either way, the blasts looked great. He said they looked like A/B quality and they were contracting and expanding like they were supposed to. But then he added that they hadn’t expanded all the way yet, but they hadn’t had time for that…I’m trying not to focus on that part.

One more bladder check, and I was good to go.

They did the procedure in the sterile OR, which was new to me. I have always had transfers in ordinary rooms. Dr. Lovely showed me the white spot on the u/s which was the babies after she put them in.

I lay there for 10 minutes, got dressed and left.

Went to acupuncture, where I was told NOT to eat pineapple this week (huh?), and nearly exploded b/c it seems that I still had about 61 ounces of water left in my bladder. That did not make for the most comfortable pincushion session.

Then I came home, ate, and slept.

The hardest part of today is that I didn’t get to see my kids since the morning. I stayed in the basement guest room, because I knew if I went upstairs, they would want me to pick them up and then they would climb on me, and that usually ends up with a knee or elbow in my stomach, and I don’t think that would be good for me right now. It was much harder than I thought being away from them, and after the valium wore off, I cried a lot. I missed them so much.

All for a good cause if this works.

I have had lots of cramping and twinges today, which I love. It makes me feel that my uterus is doing something (like making a nice home for my little babies).

I really hope these stick.

Thank you so much for your positive thoughts and well wishes. It means so much to me, and I’ll accept all the positive energy you can send!

Woo hoo!! I’m PUPO!!! *Pregnant until proven otherwise

Freaking out

My transfer is at 10:00.

I am leaving my house at 9.

I am having my housekeeper drive me because I will be taking valium and don’t have any friends who I can ask (or who know).

I also had a dream last night, that I was hung upside down during my transfer. Wonder how that idea got into my head?

That was followed by a dream that I forgot that I had my transfer and went horseback riding immediately after…and then remembered later.

I am afraid that when I get home I will forget to take my estrogen and progesterone.

I am nervous and shaking and basically scared to death.

I want this to work so badly.

Please send positive thoughts my way.

Feet and Armpits

Today I felt a little like Charlotte, ala the Sex and the City episode where she met Buster. Anyone remember that one?

I have been going to acupuncture for about 6 weeks now. I go once a week and can’t decide if I like it or not. Well, today my acupuncturist told me that I needed to do Foot Reflexology today in addition to my regular session ($$). But you know, when someone is dangling a baby in front of you, you’ll do anything, right?

So, 100 needles, $65, and 30 minutes later, a 55ish year old Chinese man comes in to the room and starts looking at my unpedicured feet. I felt a little taken off guard. I mean, I’m used to people looking at my ungroomed vagina (occasionally I skip a wax or four), but my toes? Then he started pushing on various pressure points on my feet watching me squirm and pull away from him, while he said things like, “oooooh,” and “mmmmm.” Seriously, I almost walked out of the room I felt so uncomfortable. Basically, he was trying to find areas that hurt. Guess what? It all hurt! He was pushing on pressure points…HARD! I would say, “Ow!” And he would say, “Ohhh…does that hurt here?” And gesture to his armpits. I would reply, “No, that hurts on my foot!” He explained that it doesn’t really hurt my foot, in fact it is connected to my armpits and pituitary glands and that my endocrine system is basically fucked…I’m a hormonal mess (yeah, I needed him to tell me that). I told him I am taking hormones and just focus on my uterus. He laughed and mumbled something that made me think he did not understand a word I was saying.

In short, I did not enjoy Reflexology a bit. It was nothing like the foot massage I was envisioning, and I will not be doing it again, even though he and my acupuncturist strongly recommend it for next week.

That said, I have decided to take better care of my feet in general in hopes that they will take better care of me. Maybe they can straighten out my armpits or whatever. I think I’ll start with these!

Mid-cycle check and a few questions...

I wonder a lot what it is like to be a nurse at an RE’s office. You have to be so many things: cheerleader, therapist, and teacher. You have to be sympathetic, empathetic, optimistic, encouraging, and patient. You have to be good at returning phone calls. You get to tell people that their dreams are coming through. You have to be able to tell people that their biggest nightmare is happening.

Today was my mid-cycle u/s check for my FET. I was extremely nervous for some reason. I expected that they would tell me that the transfer cannot be on July 15 as scheduled, since with my other three FETs, they pushed my transfer back a week because I wasn’t ready yet. Nurse Laura came in to do the u/s. She told me we are looking for a lining of at least 6. Mine was 10. She was giggling she was so excited. She pointed out the perfect line they look for to see the layers. I was told in the past it was “fuzzy.” Not today! She said it was the best lining she had seen all day (it was 8:15 in the morning…). She went a little bit over the top when she printed out an ultrasound picture of my lining for me “because it was so pretty.” I told her the next time she handed me an u/s picture of my uterus, there better be a baby in there.

She told me she would call me later with the results of my blood work (I never had mid-cycle blood work before). We wanted an Estrodial level of at least 300 and a Progesterone level of less than 20. My estrogen was 1700 and my progesterone was .2. My betas should only be so good!! So, now I have another blood draw on the 14^th (never had a blood draw before a transfer), and then I’m scheduled for the 15^th. Woo hoo!! I think things are happening.

So…now I have a few questions:

• Are all these blood tests normal for an FET? Or is this clinic just neurotic? I’d love some input.
• Also…I was scheduled to start my Lovenox with a positive pregnancy test. I told them that I was not waiting that long because I never have before, and my pregnancies don’t usually last more than a few days past a positive pee stick. I’m afraid waiting that long would doom me for a miscarriage. I have usually started the day of my transfer. They told me to start 3 days after transfer. For anyone on Lovenox, when have you started it?
• Do you have sex the night before a transfer? It has always been recommended to me in the past with the explanation that the presence of semen is conducive to implantation, but I sort of think that’s a load of crap. I think they said that to make us feel like there was at least something “natural” about the whole IVF. But, Hubby and I have not been in the mood lately, and w/ all the Estrace I’m taking vaginally, I think I would turn Hubby’s penis permanently blue. So, I would rather abstain…When I asked Nurse Laura if we needed to have sex, her response was, “Ew…that would be messy.” She said they do not recommend it, but it is fine if I want to. What does your clinic say?
• What time does your clinic usually do FETs? Mine were always in the afternoon before so that the embryos had all morning to thaw. That way they could see if they were going to survive (you see what good that did me). This time my transfer is at 10am. I am a little worried that that does not give me enough time...
• And finally…if you take valium the day of the transfer, what is your dosage? I have always had 10mg, but Dr. Lovely prescribed only 5. I told them that wasn’t enough for me, but I think that’s all I’m going to get…of course, I have some in my medicine cabinet, so I could always up my dosage.

The perfect response

We've all thought about it or written about it or read about it: what NOT to say to someone dealing with IF/pg loss. I would like to say that I just got an email from a friend who said the RIGHT thing...and I got goosebumps. I feel like someone put balm on my sunburn. Like I can breathe better because 1 ounce of the ton that I have been carrying around has been lifted and given to someone else who cares about me and will help me shoulder the burden.
Let me give you some background. I have a friend, J, who I have known about 11 years. We became friends about 10 years ago and GOOD friends about 9 years ago. We were "single" together...and hated it. All we wanted was to get married. We commiserated about everything single...not like Carrie and Co., but more like nice Jewish girls who just wanted to get married and have babies. We endured "Singles Events" and jdate together. We cried at having to go to ANOTHER Matzoh Ball (if you don't know what that is...you're lucky). We were extremely close and hung out all the time. She was much more "earthy" than I, and we complimented each other in a way that I haven't had with many friends in my life. We were always so honest with each other and could talk about anything and often did. We were each other's support systems. I remember sitting at work and having a conversation with her via email the entire day...EVERY DAY! Nonstop. It was so much fun. Anyway, I am talking in the past tense because the day after I got married, J moved to Israel to be with her family who had made Aliyah* years earlier. It was horrible for me. Not at the time, because I went on my honeymoon and then got pregnant...and had a miscarriage, so I had other things on my mind, but when she left, it left a huge whole in my life that I still cry about.
Yes, we are still friends, but our friendship is not what it was. I don't know how it could be. We speak maybe two times a year. She doesn't have skype (not sure why) and I don't have an International calling plan (not sure why). We email, but who has time to email that often with life and stuff. She has since gotten married and had a baby.
She emailed me the other day to chit chat and ended up telling me that she is worried because she has not ovulated in almost a year. She asked me what was going on with me because she knows I have said I want more children. I told her a little...she already knew a little, so now she knows a little more. I ended my email by saying this, "Don't feel like you have to email me back w/ something profound...there is not much to say, that's why I don't talk about it." Her PERFECT response to me was this, "Ok..I wont say anything profound...how about I'll add you to my weekly prayer when I light shabbat candles. And one more thing....I'm sorry for your frustrations and losses, ok? I know this must be sooo hard!" That, dear Internet is the perfect response...from a perfect friend! I wish we all had friends who knew just what to say to us. And I wish she didn't live so freakin' far away...

Btw-this is my 99th post. Does anyone have any good ideas for what to write for my 100th post? I'm afraid it is going to be boring!!

*immigration of Jews to Israel

Stupid mistake #2

As I grabbed my bottle of Estrace and a baby wipe (it’s kind of gross to have to insert the smurfy tablet and then lie in bed for 20 minutes without washing my hands after the journey up my vagina, but I’m trying to make the best of it), I walked to my bed and prepared myself.

I started to try to open the bottle but was having a hard time. I couldn't get a good hold of it and my hand kept slipping. That’s when I realized “Stupid mistake #2.” I had just gone through my evening routine and had rubbed myself down with this. Shit!! I tried washing my hands, but you know there is no way to get all that crap shea butter off. I’m thinking right about now my vagina (I really want to type "hoo ha," but I’m trying to be mature) is all shimmery and smelling like a bowl of cherries!!! Now that's not something I get to say too often!

You know what's funny about secondary infertility?

**Children mentioned!!**

So, I was on my way to my favorite store today to pick up my second prescription of birth control pills for my suppression for my FET. At the other end of the shopping center is my children's favorite store. We go there quite a bit and in fact had plans to go after I picked up my drugs so they could play and listen to story-time. Because I knew we would be leaving from there and going home for naptime, I parked in front of that store and figured we would have a nice walk to Target. My kids are generally great walkers. Midway through the unbelievably BIG parking lot however, they decided that they wanted to go play NOW. This came across by screaming, pointing, yelling "bookstore," throwing themselves on the floor, and trying to run in front of cars to get away from me. Did I mention it was about 94 degrees? So I did the only thing I could think of. I lifted one child in each arm and tried not to appear frazzled as I ducked their swinging arms and feet. I continued to walk what seemed like a mile to get to Target carrying a total of about 60 pounds of screaming children, who quite frankly I pretty sure were trying to kill me. All this, just so I can get knocked up AGAIN!