Isn't it pretty to think so?

Just when things were starting to look up...

Had my wallet stolen today and Hubby told me I was "irresponsible" for not knowing exactly what was in my wallet. Maybe it was irresponsible, but having him tell me that didn't help one bit. And yes, there were a LOT of charges made...to restaurants and gas stations. So stressed and overwhelmed by all I have to do to rectify everything. And nervous. Now someone has my driver's license...and pictures of my kids. Some days I hate people.

Date Day

Ok, so to sum it up...it...was...nice...

After I had a near breakdown in the morning about everything that I had to do...and the tears for the exhaustion of having an eight month old who still wakes up several times a night...and the hysteria for leaving said eight month old with a babysitter for the first time who is way too young to be a nurse maid, we went anyway.

Our date consisted of:

a trip to the fabric store to buy fabric for the chairs that we intended to reupholster

lunch a a sports bar

home depot for stapler and other stuff

target

By the end of the date, I was so relaxed and felt so much like a real person, I was shocked. I was able to let my guard down, which I hadn't been able to do in a few weeks, and actually enjoy myself.

Then of course, it was back to reality and the never ending work that  piles up. Today I will be taking all three kids to a birthday party by myself and then keeping them out for the majority of the afternoon while our house shows...that's right, two and a half years later and our house is STILL on the market. But that's a post for another day. I now have to go and hide everything that makes it look like we actually live in our house because apparently, people are stupid and if you leave as much as a toothbrush out, they can't make their own "vision" of what the house would look like with their things in it and won't buy your house. Whatever

Tired

So, I have NO food in the house. Seriously, practically nothing. I haven't been to the grocery store in two weeks. Forget about the fact that I haven't had the time...I don't have the energy. The thought of going is just enough to make me cry. And then the thought of having to put stuff away. And COOK?!?! I can't fathom. And not only do I need food for now, I need it for Pesach, or we are going to be some very hungry Jews when we can't even make ourselves peanut butter sandwiches. Of course, we are almost out of bread anyway...
Yes, I am tired. Made even more tired by the fact that my son has a random fever which kept both of my kids and myself up until 5:15am last night. Hubby was able to sleep through it all, until about 5:10 when I screamed at him to get the hell up and help me or I was going to kill him.
And what time did I get to sleep until today? Umm...7:20!! Because not only is there some marathon going right by my house this morning, but my enthusiastic neighbor felt the need to be outside cheering and clapping for EVERY freakin' runner that went by our houses. I went outside and shot him a death glare. It quieted him down...but I'm still awake. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.
Guess I'm not going grocery shopping today either.

The blow off

I’m a smart girl. I can take a hint. If you don’t call me back, I might call you a couple more times, but then if there is still no response, I get it. I won’t be bothering you anymore. If I repeatedly invite you for lunch and/or playdates and there is always an excuse, it won’t take me forever to figure it out. You don’t want to hang out with me. I get it. I won’t be bothering you anymore.
But here is something I don’t get. If you DON’T want to hang out or get together or chat with me, WHY would you send me a message, write on my wall, or comment on my picture on Fa.ceb.ook saying that you DO want to get together, hang out, or chat? Isn’t it easier just to ignore me? Or if you are one of those compulsive commenters, just say “cute pic.” Do NOT say, “Hey there! Been thinking of you. It’s been so long. I’d love to get together and hang out so we can catch up,” or something like that. Because since I am obviously a loser with not enough friends, you know what my response is going to be? It is going to be, “Great! I’d love to see you. I’m available blah, blah, or blah, and can also do blah, blah, or blah. Tell me what works for you.” And then you are put in the position of having to ignore me to blow me off, when YOU contacted me first, and it was YOUR idea to get together! And honestly, it hurts my feelings!  And it confuses the hell out of me. But I guess I am just not one of those people who says I want to get together unless I really do. And the truth is, I usually DO want to get together with people, because who doesn’t love a nice lunch date? Or a chance to sit back and hang out while watching the kids destroy someone else’s your house?
This has obviously happened to me lately. Twice, in fact, in the past two weeks, and I’m very upset about it. Maybe I take things like this too personally, but it’s just the way I am. So I say all of this, just to say, if any of you ever meet me or “friend” me on Fa.cebo.ok, please don’t say you want to get together with me unless you really do.

Just when you think it's safe to go back into the ocean...

I thought I was in the clear. Past all the emotional stuff of IF. And then...there was SB 169. So, I'm going to "come out of the anonymous closet" a little here and say that I live in Georgia. For those of you who need a little bit of background about this bill and what's been going on in this state, SB 169 is titled: Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos. It started out with some pretty offensive wording:

Senate Bill 169 would restrict doctors' ability to perform IVF in accordance with best medical standards. Here were the key provisions:
 No more than 2 or 3 eggs could ever be fertilized in a cycle; if a woman produced more eggs, they still could not be used.
Only 2 embryos could ever be transferred to the uterus, unless the woman is age 40 or over (then a max of 3).
 No extra embryos could be cryopreserved. If they are created, they have to be transferred.
No financial relief, such as insurance coverage, is proposed to help with the added financial burden of using less effective treatment. Patients will still have to pay out of pocket for less effective treatment.
Bans all financial compensation for donor gametes, such as egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo donation, which would greatly reduce the pool of available donors in Georgia.

To say I received a few emails about this, would be an understatement. I was bombarded. And I did was I was supposed to do. I emailed and faxed every senator in Georgia. So did thousands of others. And while the bill was changed so that most of the more onerous language was taken out, it would still have severely restricted our RE's abilities to safe and effectively treat infertility patients. Plus, the bill still gave gave embryos human rights. There is more...and if you want more details, let me know. Again, I did what I was supposed to do. I wrote, called, and faxed. I had my kids dressed and ready to go down to the capitol with me to meet with my senator and beg him not to vote for this bill. And then I got and email from my senator's aide telling me that he was one of the key speakers So I started thinking, why am I going down to the capitol? While it might be a fun adventure, and I might make quite a statement with my twins and 8 month pregnant belly, it might be a major pain in the ass to find parking and then walking a distance isn't that easy for me, plus, I would just be preaching to the choir. I didn't want to just give up if there was a chance I could do something good, so I decided to call the national RESOLVE office and speak with the director to ask her opinion. I called, and here's where I got the shock of my life: I could barely speak through the tears. I thought I was just calling as a concerned party, but one who was past all that emotional IF stuff. But as soon as I started trying to form words, the sobs wracked my body. The humiliation of everything that is a part of IF came back and then some. It's not enough that sometimes I feel like every medical professional in against the bill.Georgia has seen my vagina, now the government wants to be involved, too? Is there no dignity? Once I was able to compose myself, the director told me that I was right and there was no reason to go to the capitol and pull my senator out of the meeting since he has been a huge supporter of us. I hung up the phone with her shocked by my emotions and took some deep breaths. I was, and am still, shocked by the way I broke down. I really thought I was past it all. I am a mom. I am (G-d willing) having another baby in a couple of months. IF doesn't effect me anymore, right? I guess not.

**SB 169 was tabled and then changed, reintroduced and passed. I am waiting to get the next round of emails from RESOLVE to know what my next step will be.

Sick

I am so sick. I have a sinus infection (my second or third this pregnancy), and I feel miserable. I haven't slept in over a week. Last week it was because I was taking care of my sick kids who couldn't sleep, and how did they repay me? They gave me their germs! So now I can't sleep because I can't breathe, plus, I just have general pregnancy induced insomnia, anyway. It is bad. Last night I slept from 10-12. That's it. The night before, I got a total of four hours, but they weren't all at the same time. I am so miserable right now. I don't know if I just page my OB or not. What is she going to do, anyway? Sing me a lullaby? I am so paranoid about taking meds while pregnant, I don't know if I would take what she prescribed anyway.
A-choo!!!!

Fertile Friends

"I think I must be getting more fertile as I get older." That is what my friend told me the other day. Isn't that the greatest thing you've ever heard? I mean, next to her news that OOPS! She's pregnant w/ baby number FOUR!!! Baby number three is only 7 months, so you can imagine what a shocker this was. I am feeling all sorts of feelings about this. Sadly, the least of which is happy for her. I'm not completely devastated though, as I usually am when she fesses up with a pregnancy. Part of me is truly just annoyed, though. Her oldest is a 4 year old girl, and sadly, my friend has told me several times, that she can't stand her and that she is a spoiled brat. Who says that about their child and then continues to procreate? My friend was of course thrilled to find out about my pregnancy. She reminded me how much out lives "parallel" each others'. HA! If only she knew...

I should have been a dog

A little while ago, my phone rang. It was the veterinary clinic where I boarded my dog while we were gone over the weekend. While she was there, I had them do her yearly vaccines and an exam. No problem...she got her shots and has an ear infection. I picked her up yesterday. So, why did they call today? To make sure she was feeling ok and see if I had any questions! Imagine that!! Five miscarriages, nine ART treatment cycles, a gazillion dollars, and I never got a phone call like that. Who would have thought? My dog's veterinarian is more human than my doctors.

26

That's my hcg level. And not in a, "Woo hoo! I'm pregnant!" kind of way, but more like a, "Motherfucker, why won't it come down all the way?" kind of way. You know the kicker? When Nurse Laura called to tell me, b/c you know she's from Dr. McBitch's office, she told me that I needed to take care of getting it checked somewhere. Didn't ask me if I wanted to come in and get it check there so they could COMPLETE WHAT THEY STARTED WITH ME! But just, figure out a way to take care of it on my own. Which obviously, I will. Fuck them.

Three strikes, I'm out

You know what's funny? I actually thought that come Monday, I was going to be able to get some help! I mean, I did what I'm supposed to do, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. Checked my benefits, got someone qualified (somewhat) to deal with IF patients, and filled out the mini-autobiography that they require. Nothing says "Fuck you" (1) like listing SIX pregnancies. Count down to antidepressants and tranquilizers, right? Days away from medicated bliss? Not so much!!! While the website might LIST so-called shrink as being a provider, she is not, and I do not have out of network benefits. Well, I guess that's another "Fuck you" (2) to me. Called my insurance, sat on hold, spoke with an asshole and was given a list of docs with the nearest one about 30 miles away and NONE of them are on my list of doctors who specialize in IF. Know why? Well, that's another "Fuck you" (3) to me.