A couple of days after this last loss, I told my husband I didn't think I was ever going to want to have sex again. He didn't seem nearly as upset as I would have liked...and almost a little too understanding. Now I just want to do it and get it over with so we can go back to normal...which is pretty much us not having sex, but as least it's not us NOT having sex...you know? Right now, it's all I can think about. That we're not doing it, and I don't want to be doing it. Usually, it's just that we're not doing it, and sometimes I care and sometimes I don't, and sometimes we actually do have sex. But there is something stopping me now, and I can't figure out what it is. It is like this huge emotional mountain that I have to somehow get over, and I don't know if I can.
I am so embarrassed by my body. I always have been. When I was a child, it was because my parents took me to Weight Watchers and NutriSystem for being, I kid you not, maybe 5 or 10 pounds too heavy. And not like, off the charts of what normal is, just not that perfect skinny body that all of their friends' children had. Ahhh...that did my self esteem good...
Then I went to college and admittedly gained the Freshman 15...or 20, but I took it off by the time I was a junior. AND managed to develop quite a nice eating disorder by the time I was 24 dropping down to 95 lbs, at 5'4". Even at that weight though, let me tell you...my thighs and tush...not good things.
Before I met my husband, I was in the greatest shape of my life. Working out all the time...but still, my thighs and tush...there was nothing I could do about them, and I hated it. There was no toning, firming, removing of cellulite that I could make happen, so I still felt like crap about my body.
Oh yeah...and can we take a minute to talk about how from the minute my breast buds started to develop, they were way more interested in what my toes were doing than anything else. I was like, "hello!! I'm up here!!" They didn't care. Maybe they just really liked my taste in shoes?
So, all these issues, don't exactly make me a firecracker in bed. Especially with my husband, who has never been the kind of guy to tell me that he thinks I'm gorgeous and sexy just the way I am. I believe he has said things like, "Well, you have a mirror, so you know what I see." Or something along those lines.
Add "twin skin" to the picture, about a gazillion stretch marks, breasts that breastfed two people for 16 months, and you have a big giant mess. All at a not so bad 127 lbs.
And that is just the shame of what my body looks like.
Now there is the shame of what my body can not do. The shame I feel at going through our money like it was water to try to get pregnant, because my body cannot do it on its own. The mortification I feel at losing pregnancy after pregnancy. It is astounding. I expect to feel sad, depressed, angry, etc. But so embarrassed? Like such a failure? There are times I just want to rip my body off, I hate it so much. How am I supposed to have an intimate physical relationship with these feelings? If I don't even want to be in my skin, how am I supposed to want someone else to touch it. Someone who, sadly, seems way ok with not touching it. I'm certainly not in any position to initiate at this point.
So, I am left wondering what to do. I am sure if I asked him, he would say that he is waiting for me to say I was ready. Maybe if I said that, we would have a lukewarm to steamy (ha) 4 1/2 minutes and then I would be over the hurdle, and things would go back to normal. But I don't know if I can. I hope one day soon though...
