Isn't it pretty to think so?

Worth

I have three children.

I have lost five.
I have been married for almost six years.

How can he not even know if he thinks our marriage is worth working on? Worth fighting for? 

I want him to be nice.

He wants to be happy. 

Maybe it's not.

Hell

He was here all day yesterday. And then he left again. Each time he leaves it tears my heart out. He needs to figure out what he wants. He doesn't think it can work. I want to try. He says we will never be able to be intimate again. I want to try. He doesn't understand why I want to be with him if I think he is so cruel...I agree. He went to a therapist yesterday who said he is definitely NOT depressed. I think the therapist is an idiot. And a chauvinist. I want to be happy...and I don't want to disappoint my kids. I am in hell.

Fault

He has an amazing ability to blame me for EVERYTHING. He always had. If he gets lost, if his computer gets a virus, if the kids have a tantrum...our sex life. Everything is always my fault. If we don't get back together, it is because I NEVER FORGET ANYTHING. Not because he left. It's amazing. If only I had the power he thought I did. He told me he left because he is always disappointing me. Again...my fault. I never knew so much could be my fault.

Broken

I am so broken. How could he leave me? All I have ever tried to do was build a jewish home and be a good wife and mother. How could he walk away from that? I feel like someone has reached into my chest and pulled out my heart. I never knew there could be such physical pain from an emotional hurt. My children are going to be from a broken home now. My heart is broken into a million pieces. I feel like I will never be whole again.

threats

He's threatening divorce again. I don't know what to do. I didn't do anything. He's just not happy. I am...if not happy...committed. I love his good points. But I no longer trust him. I have so little time to blog now b/c I moved my baby into the office so I rarely have time on my computer, so I know that this is short and choppy.

I feel like I am losing a limb. I am in limbo...he tells me he is trying to figure out if he wants to stay married to me. What am I supposed to do with that? 

We are going to dinner tomorrow night. Is this a test? We went to dinner last week and everything was great. I don't know what to do anymore.

I wish I could go back in time.

Soup

I read a lot of blogs....Ok, probably not by some people's standards...and not even as much as I used to, and I am behind in the ones I do read, but I still have a decent number in my reader. And sometimes, I wish I didn't. I see those blogs in bold, telling me that I have things to read...and comment on, and I have to decide. Do I read the blog who won't know if I'm there or not, but who has the great vegetable soup recipe? Or do I go to the blog who needs me. The one who is suffering from a pregnancy loss. Lost baby. Or failed cycle. I try to do the right thing. I try to go to the one where I can maybe make a difference, instead of the one where I can make dinner, but it is hard. Sometimes, it is hard to read the pain people are living with. All I can do is wish that they weren't in pain...but they are, and I hate it.

I am very careful, too...not to leave any sad blogs open on my screen if I am not actively reading them. Because I think the sadness will spill off of my computer and into my house. Crazy, huh?

I hate sadness. Not in a "hate it because I don't want to be around it," way. But really like a, "hate it because I can't change it," kind of way. And I really wish I could.

To all of my friends out there, and the people who put their stories out there for us to share, I am so sorry for your pain. The losses break my heart...

Some days I am really jealous of the people who never had to look for blogs that had anything other than recipes for some great soup.

Told him

This morning, after an ugly fight w/ Hubby, I told him...I told him that he is killing me. I told him that he is making me numb inside. I told him to please stop because I don't want to hate him or worse, feel nothing for him, but that is what he is making me do.

I have always wondered why, every time we fight, it feels like my world is ending. Like I don't have ground to stand on, and today I realized. When we fight, as I'm assuming all married couples do, instead of fighting over the issue he turns so ugly and mean. He tries to hurt me (NOT physically). He just insults me and tries to find the things that I am most vulnerable with, and uses those against me. And then when I get upset and cry, he just laughs at me. I know this is wrong. I know it is abusive. He tells me that I make him do those things. That it is my fault. I can't believe it. Does he realize how crazy that is? I don't think he does it on purpose. I don't think he sets out to be like this. But I do think he hates me. I am pretty sure he hates being married to me. 

I always tell him that I do not understand why, no matter what almost anyone else does, he finds an excuse for them. But for me, nothing is ever ok. He blames me for so much and holds me responsible for so many things. Whether it has anything to do with him or not. His response is always the same, "I can't excuse you because you are a part of me." Whatever that means...that he holds himself to high standards or that I am a reflection on him, I'm not sure. I sat down with him today and told him that he can't fight with me the way he has been and think that things will be ok. He might think that he is only hurting me, but (for better or worse) we are married and if he hurts me, he only hurts himself and worse, the kids. I hope think he heard me. Maybe for only a minute...but I feel like there was a glimmer of recognition. Like maybe for a moment, he saw the damage that he is doing...not just to me. 

I want my marriage to work. I really do. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to be divorced. I don't think I could live with myself for failing my children so badly if my marriage fails. How could I shuttle them back and forth between us? How could I go a night without them down the hall from me? I think I would stop breathing if that happened. I can barely breathe just thinking about it...

I really need him to understand how badly he is hurting me, though. And I need it to stop.

Date...aka wtf?

So tomorrow, Ladybug turns 8 months old. Eight months, and I haven't been anywhere without her, except a handful of times. Like...maybe three trips to target or something while my mom was visiting. Seriously, during my yearly pap smear, she lay next to me and nursed the whole time. She sleeps in my room--wait, that makes it seem like she sleeps doesn't it? But anyway, she is in there (we don't have a room for her). She sits on the floor with a pile of toys and screams at me when I shower, she is always with me. I love it and I love her, but I'm exhausted. And, you know, it's not just that I have her...I also have the twins, and sick (and somewhat aggressive dog), and a husband to deal with. I feel like the wicked witch of the west...I'm melting.

Anyway, before she was born, I had finally found a babysitter. This was in January of last year. She was amazing. She told me that she was working on her degree and would be around to help me out until May and then was leaving town to do her internship. So for about 5 months, I had a babysitter to help w/ the kids. She came about twice a month and was AMAZING!! Then she left, but told me that she would be back in January for about 5 more months to finish her thesis. Yeay!! I've been counting down the days, let me tell you. So the other day I got a call from her. She is back and wants to know when she can come over. I spoke with Hubby about it. 

Him: Why don't you get her to come for this weekend so we can go out.

Me: Great, when?

Him: How about Saturday night?

Me: Well, you know that's really hard for me because I nurse Ladybug to sleep. What about Saturday day?

Him: Whatever.

Me: Well, what were you thinking we were going to do?

Him: Dinner and a movie.

Me: How about lunch and a movie.

Him: Fine.

Me: Great.

He goes in to work and calls me about 15 minutes later.

Him: Hey, I've got a project for us to do.

Me: What?

Him: We need to get paint and repaint the chairs in my office. Let's do that on Saturday instead.

Me: What the fuck? Sounds great!!!

So, my first day without the baby in eight months. The first time Hubby and I will be able to do anything alone since she has been born, and instead of doing something relaxing, he's making me do manual labor. I can't fucking wait. I would just love it if he wanted to spoil me or help me relax or something. I mean...I am so tired. I need a break. I'm afraid the only thing braking is my marriage...and me.

Sad

So, there is no doubt about it, I am sad. Heartbreaking sad. And I don't know if my husband and I are going to be able to stay married. I don't think he wants to. He says he does if we can be happy. I don't know if we can. But I know, that I would be devastated without him.

Last night when he got home, I told him I was sad for so many reasons. He is a part of it, but not all of it. I asked him if he wanted to know why. He said yes (with a smirk) and wrote all of my reasons down. I thought that I would put them here for your entertainment. I can explain them all at another time:

1. I'm lonely
2. I miss my mom
3. I want to move to Florida
4. my parents are getting older and are eventually going to die
5. my sister won't talk to me
6. all of my friends have moved away
7. the friends that I do have, he doesn't like
8. i don't even like some of my friends
9. i never wanted to be a teacher, yet that is what I was
10. I don't understand our house situation
11. i feel a financial burden
12. I do not feel like I have any part in our money
13. I think my husband likes it like that
14. I feel like my husband thinks I am not his equal because I don't bring in any money
15. my husband resents that I don't have a job
16. I am exhausted
17. i resent that my husband does not appreciate all of the work that I do with the kids
18. He doesn't appreciate that I cook
19. I feel so isolated
20. I want more hugs
21. I never feel like my husband is proud of me
22. When he had surgery, he went to another state to have it and I couldn't go with him...and he didn't care
23. We recently went on a trip to Orlando and he had a conference while I took the kids to the parks. He was supposed to spend the last day in the parks w/ me and the kids, but then didn't do that because he was with his parents instead.
24. I have no one to talk to except him
25. I can't even take medication to help with depression because I am still breast feeding
26. I have to beg my husband for his time.

I know this list is extensive and choppy, but this is what you get when you've been crying for 36 hours straight. I'll try to explain some of the things more later.

The truth

You know what? So...for a long time I dealt with feeling like everyone blinked their eyes and poof they were pregnant, while I struggled silently, all alone. But you know what else? I also feel like everyone blinked their eyes and got these amazing husbands, who lick the ground they walk on, and here I struggle, silently, alone. I do now know what to do. Once a month, for about a week while I ovulate, I hate him and I cry and think really bad thoughts...the rest of the time, I think to myself, that it's not that bad. But never do I think, "wow...what a great guy I got." Guess which week I'm in now? Does anyone else ever feel like this? People...I am not happy.