Isn't it pretty to think so?

Milk

So, I just opened up a brand new container of milk. Opened the cap and then was about to open the seal that covered the opening when I noticed that a little milk had leaked through. My mind started wondering what could have happened to make the milkl leak... the only thing my paranoid self could come up with was that perhaps someone punctured the lid as they were injecting poison or something into the milk...you know, to try to kill me or something. Had the milk been for my kids, I would have spilled the entire container out, and gone down to the basement to get another container immediately. It was, however for me, and I was tired, hungry, and had already poured my cereal into my bowl...so I poured the milk on top and enjoyed what I sincerely hope was not my last meal of Honey Bunches of Oats. But if for some reason I am found dead tomorrow...it was the milk.

Address book

Am I the only person who still has an address book? Like an actual book? I wonder... I never went hi-tech and got a blackberry or I-phone, so I don't know if those things serve as address books as well. Anyway...I have had the same address book since 2002. When I had the "feeling" that I was going to get downsized from my last job, I quickly bought a really nice/expensive dayplanner and expensed it. Well, I decided that it was just too much book for me lately and I wanted something smaller, so I bought myself a small address book which is pink, so it makes me much happier to look at than the $200 black and brown one did. Yesterday, I was busy copying my addresses into it, when I realized there were soooooo many people I no longer needed to copy over. People I have lost touch with and no longer speak with. It is unbelievable. My book used to be filled...now, I have one or two names per page. I considered copying them into the book, JUST IN CASE I ever need to get in touch with them, but come on...isn't that what fa.cebook is for?
So here I am today. One expensive address book lighter with about 100 fewer contacts/friends I can call on. I am less than thrilled.

Don't make me laugh

So, my son has been sick for about a week now. He's had  a fever off and on. I don't usually worry about that because it has happened enough that I know it is probably viral and will last until it is finished and then he will be fine. But the other day, he was just a little too lethargic for my comfort level. I called the pediatrician and was told to bring him in at 2. Well, that is right in the middle of his nap and I had no intention of keeping a sick and tired boy from sleeping. I asked if I could bring him in earlier or later and was told, "no." Well, screw you, pediatrician, but that's another story.
Our neighbor runs an urgent clinic right down the street from us, anyway, so I figured I would just go there. I called my insurance company to see what the cost would be and if it was in-network. I was told that an urgent care visit would cost $75. I looked at my card and saw where the co-pays were listed and it looked like it didn't matter if it was in or out of network, it would still be $75. The lady on the phone asked the name of the doctor. I told her and she told me he was not in-network. I asked her if it mattered b/c it looked to me like the cost would be the same.
Her response: Well, it would really be more convenient to us if you would go to someone in-network.
Me: Excuse me??
Crazy lady/comedian working for insurance company: There is just a lot more paperwork for us if you see someone out of our network, so we prefer you go in-network.

Our premium just went up 30%, they didn't cover a PENNY of my IF treatment, but please let me worry about what is convenient for them...oh did I have a good chuckle over that one!!!

Tired

So, I have NO food in the house. Seriously, practically nothing. I haven't been to the grocery store in two weeks. Forget about the fact that I haven't had the time...I don't have the energy. The thought of going is just enough to make me cry. And then the thought of having to put stuff away. And COOK?!?! I can't fathom. And not only do I need food for now, I need it for Pesach, or we are going to be some very hungry Jews when we can't even make ourselves peanut butter sandwiches. Of course, we are almost out of bread anyway...
Yes, I am tired. Made even more tired by the fact that my son has a random fever which kept both of my kids and myself up until 5:15am last night. Hubby was able to sleep through it all, until about 5:10 when I screamed at him to get the hell up and help me or I was going to kill him.
And what time did I get to sleep until today? Umm...7:20!! Because not only is there some marathon going right by my house this morning, but my enthusiastic neighbor felt the need to be outside cheering and clapping for EVERY freakin' runner that went by our houses. I went outside and shot him a death glare. It quieted him down...but I'm still awake. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.
Guess I'm not going grocery shopping today either.

The tag that's sweeping the Internet: 25 Random Things About Me

Come on...everybody's doing it...you know you want to, too...
1. I am a vegetarian and do not let my children eat meat, but I do cook it for my husband.
2. Most people think I am a very good cook (Hubby is not one of them).
3. I am extremely unromantic.
4. I do not understand why some people think that if you really love someone, it is ok to pee in front of them. I love my husband. I still close the bathroom door.
5. My mom told me once, “Never marry a doctor because you will get older and he will always be around nurses 20 years younger than you.” I did anyway.
6. The most fun I ever had was when I was on my honeymoon. Sadly, I do not think Hubby feels the same way. The most fun he had was probably playing a dumb football game with his middle-aged friends from high school.
7. When I was pregnant with my kids, I gained 90 pounds. I lost 60 of those pounds within the first week after they were born and then 20 pounds over the next few months. The last 10? Well…we’re not going to discuss those.
8. I hate it when people ask me if my twins are “natural.” Umm…as opposed to what, battery operated?
9. I think my kids are the funniest, sweetest, smartest, most amazing people on the planet.
10. I love being a “stay at home mom,” and think everyone should get the opportunity. I also think everyone should have twins because it is like nothing you can imagine.
11. I majored in education and became a teacher because my parents told me to. It was one of my biggest mistakes.
12. People have always told me, “You are such a patient person,” and “You are a very good listener.” They have no idea what they are talking about.
13. When I was in high school I worked at a yogurt store where we served Teddy Grahams as a topping. The people I worked with thought it would be funny to bite the heads off of them and serve them as Decapitated Teddy Grahams to see if anyone noticed. No one ever did.
14. I cannot watch a movie if it has any blood or violence in it. But I do love a good chick flick.
15. I love to read but cannot bring myself to spend money on a book, so I use the library and instead spend my money on late fees for not returning the books on time.
16. I am a great bargain shopper and love shopping online. One of my favorite things to say to Eric is, “Look what I got, Honey! It cost $$, but originally it cost $$$$$!” A good deal makes me feel like I am actually making money.
17. I love Disney World and one of the things that I miss the most about living in Florida is the ability to go there whenever I wanted. I also really miss Festival Flea Market.
18. I cannot stand a messy house, but I hate cleaning. It’s quite a conundrum. (To further complicate things, I am pretty sure my housekeeper hates cleaning, too!)
19. I love soup. I also love: strawberries, blueberries, avocados, tomatoes, chick peas, coffee with a LOT of cream (not milk) in it, and chocolate cake. Not necessarily all together.
20. I love throwing things away. One of my favorite things to do is decide how many garbage bags I’m going to fill up and then going around my house finding things to put in the bags until they are full. If I accidentally put Hubby’s things in the garbage bags, he gets very angry, but I can’t help it.
21. I really enjoy long car rides as long as I am not the one driving.
22. One of my talents is writing poems, but I don’t “write poetry.”
23. I have a “list.” It is not laminated, and I am constantly adding people to it. Hubby seems ok with that.
24. Every time I get a cold it turns into a sinus infection, and I currently have a cold.
25. I spend way too much time on the computer.

A crappy day

I have no right to complain. I know that. I hate complaining. But damn, I have had a rough day. Having two 2 1/2  year olds is just hard sometimes. Not that I would trade them for anything...well, maybe I would trade them for an hour or so, but you know what I mean. Some (most) days, they wake up and it doesn't matter what I say, the response is, "NO!" And I hate that. I hate fighting and yelling and that is what ends up happening. I fight them to get their diapers changed, get them dressed, fed, downstairs, upstairs, they fight with each other, I try to prevent them from killing each other, it never stops. It wasn't even 10 am and I knew it was going to be a shitty day. By 11, I was losing my mind...and having contractions every 10 minutes. And I guess, on top of everything...it's not just that my kids were royal pains in the ass, I mean, I know that that happens, but I just hate myself so much for getting angry at them. I hate myself for yelling and upsetting them. I open my mouth and sound like my mother and I am just disgusted by my own voice.
I had an OB appointment this afternoon this afternoon. They told me everything was fine, but put me on the monitor to monitor my contractions. They said they couldn't pick anything up...so now they think I'm crazy. They also checked my cervix to see if "said" contractions were doing anything to it. They are not (thank G-d), but I hate having vaginal exams when I am pregnant b/c I am so afraid they will send me into preterm labor. Also, since I wasn't planning on an exam I wasn't as nicely groomed as I would have liked. How embarassing.
Back at the house, I would like to say that everything got better, but instead, I cooked a dish for my kids that they didn't eat, a dish for my husband that he didn't like, and I haven't eaten at all yet because I'm so upset from my crappy day.

Thank you

Thank you, Internets...for noticing I was gone. I can't tell you how good it made me feel. Sometimes I feel like if I disappeared, no one would notice. Not trying to have a pity party, just, you know...feeling a little down. But not as down as before thanks to you guys.
I'm not going to get into anything really deep here, just a funny little story to get the ball rolling. Yesterday I was with my family at the Las Vegas airport heading home. We were trying to get to our gate and look for something to eat that wasn't fried or just gross. I thought a bagel with cream cheese would solve the problem. I stopped at a kiosk and asked a very nice older Asian lady if she knew if there were any restaurants or coffee shops around that sold bagels and if so, could she please point me in the right direction. Her response? "Lots of restaurants everywhere, but bagels? No, they don't have Jewish food here."
***Good thing I wasn't in the mood for some matzoh ball soup!

In going over the protocol for my upcoming mock cycle...

Me: Will I be using Mircette birth control pills this time? Because I have some of those left over from my last cycle.
Nurse Katherine: No, you will be using (something else). But you should save the Mircette in case you ever need them for another cycle.
Me: Um...I think what you meant to say was, "Oh, well, you won't be needing those because we're gonna get you some babies with this next cycle, and you won't ever have to cycle again!"
Nurse: **eye roll**

This was my first meeting with me new nurse. Let's hear it for my ability to win friends and influence people!

Expectations

“Were you expecting twins?” This was the question another mom asked me on the playground the other day. “Huh?” I responded, because while I knew what she meant, I didn’t quite know how to answer. What I was expecting was to have a miscarriage, because that’s what I do. I kill most things that come anywhere near my uterus. In fact, it’s miracle that Hubby’s penis hasn’t shrived up and fallen off yet because I’m sure it has been near my uterus at some point. Hasn’t it? Anyway…I digress. She repeated herself, “Did you know you were having twins?” “Well,” I said, “yes because they told me at my ultrasound.” “Oh,” she replied, “I had IVF to have my boy.” WELL…now I felt like such an ass. I mean, I knew what she meant when she asked, it’s just that I think it’s a bit of a personal question and I was taken off guard. So I had to do some backtracking because once I knew that she had done it too, I suddenly wanted to be her best friend. She has been dealing with IF for a while, goes to the BIGGEST asshole doc here in town, and has been told repeatedly that they don’t know what is wrong with her, but she needs to consider doner eggs or embryos.

Is it just me or are docs throwing that option around a bit too much these days? Are we frustrating them? Are they worried about their stats? Do they just want to get us pregnant any way at all so that we will leave them alone to take someone else’s $50,000?

Or we need to lower change our expectations? With IF soooo abundant (although all of my friends just blink and have babies), maybe we shouldn’t just expect to have a baby when we decide we want one.

Fault

I'm curious. I know that IF is no one's "fault." Except that it is. Really. We just say that it is no one's fault or that we are in it together because that is the politically correct thing to do. But let's get past that a minute, and say, ok...someone's to blame here. Someone has parts that aren't working up to snuff. That is why the first thing they do when you go to an RE is a sperm analysis...to see if it is the man's FAULT. Then, if it is not, we move on to stirrups and all the fun and joy that follows that.

Now, take my case. We assume it is my fault. We don't know for sure, b/c while I have a slightly elevated protein S (or A or C...I get confused), which is treated w/ Lovenox, beyond that, I'm fine (no, really...yes, I'm aware I can't get pregnant on my own and have had 5 miscarriages, but all the doctors tell me that I'm fine). So I have unexplained infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, but b/c Hubby's swimmers look good, we assume it is my fault. We don't know what the problem is, but we are sure it lies with me (whatever). And I'm ok with that. As long as it is my fault...my body fucking everything up, I don't have to deal with the male ego getting bruised. Instead my legs, stomach, and ass all turn purple from the gazillion shots I have to stick myself with, but that is way easier to deal with that the former. And I also don't have to have the, "It's not your fault, we're a team and we're in this together," discussions, trying to mend said ego. And finally, since I'm the one whose fault it is, I'm the one who has to go to the appointments and do treatment, and take medicine...oh wait, I would have to be the one to do that even if it were his fault. Well, can you imagine if we needed them to spread 'em several times a week at 7:15 in the morning?
So...whose fault is it in your family? And would you change it if you could?