Isn't it pretty to think so?

Lots o' matzoh

Let me tell you how much I love almost all of the Jewish holidays. The foods. The customs. The stories. Seriously, I love them. I think they are so much fun, and I love seeing my kids enjoy them, too. But now let's discuss Passover. Passover, my friends, is kicking. my. ass. And I truly hate it. Is it bad to hate a religious holiday? I don't want to hate it. I want to love it. I want to feel connected and inspired. My kids are loving it (thank G-d). They learned so much about it in school, and are having so much fun telling me the story of Moses (over and over). And they have no idea of my true feelings about it. They have their fun Pesach toys. We went crazy hiding and finding the afikomen. They love matzoh with cream cheese, so they are happy. But for me? Even if we take the "preparing of the kitchen before hand" out of the equation, I just really do not enjoy this holiday. It didn't help that this year I had to host two seders. That's right. We didn't get invited anywhere, and while I could have gone to a community one, Hubby really didn't want to, and in all fairness, it started really late and would have been extremely difficult with the kids. So we had people here. Probably not the best idea for someone having a baby in a month to host two HUGE dinners. But what really gets me, time and time again, is the food. I hate it. It would be so much easier if I was a meat eater (or Sephardic). But as an Ashkenazic Jew AND a vegetarian, I am really miserable. How much matzoh can one person eat? My diet the past three days has consisted of: matzoh, tomatoes, avocados, cheese, hardboiled eggs, and macaroons. I am very concerned that I am not getting the protein that I need, which truthfully, has been a source of concern for me throughout this entire pregnancy. And while I know that I only have five days left, and then I can go back to my high protein ways (yeah right) of peanut butter and chocolate milk), for now it seems like an eternity away.
So for those of you celebrating and enjoying, Happy Pesach. For those of you enjoying your chocolate eggs today, Happy Easter. And if anyone has any idea how to make the rest of this holiday more palatable for me I would love to hear your advise.

Address book

Am I the only person who still has an address book? Like an actual book? I wonder... I never went hi-tech and got a blackberry or I-phone, so I don't know if those things serve as address books as well. Anyway...I have had the same address book since 2002. When I had the "feeling" that I was going to get downsized from my last job, I quickly bought a really nice/expensive dayplanner and expensed it. Well, I decided that it was just too much book for me lately and I wanted something smaller, so I bought myself a small address book which is pink, so it makes me much happier to look at than the $200 black and brown one did. Yesterday, I was busy copying my addresses into it, when I realized there were soooooo many people I no longer needed to copy over. People I have lost touch with and no longer speak with. It is unbelievable. My book used to be filled...now, I have one or two names per page. I considered copying them into the book, JUST IN CASE I ever need to get in touch with them, but come on...isn't that what fa.cebook is for?
So here I am today. One expensive address book lighter with about 100 fewer contacts/friends I can call on. I am less than thrilled.

Don't make me laugh

So, my son has been sick for about a week now. He's had  a fever off and on. I don't usually worry about that because it has happened enough that I know it is probably viral and will last until it is finished and then he will be fine. But the other day, he was just a little too lethargic for my comfort level. I called the pediatrician and was told to bring him in at 2. Well, that is right in the middle of his nap and I had no intention of keeping a sick and tired boy from sleeping. I asked if I could bring him in earlier or later and was told, "no." Well, screw you, pediatrician, but that's another story.
Our neighbor runs an urgent clinic right down the street from us, anyway, so I figured I would just go there. I called my insurance company to see what the cost would be and if it was in-network. I was told that an urgent care visit would cost $75. I looked at my card and saw where the co-pays were listed and it looked like it didn't matter if it was in or out of network, it would still be $75. The lady on the phone asked the name of the doctor. I told her and she told me he was not in-network. I asked her if it mattered b/c it looked to me like the cost would be the same.
Her response: Well, it would really be more convenient to us if you would go to someone in-network.
Me: Excuse me??
Crazy lady/comedian working for insurance company: There is just a lot more paperwork for us if you see someone out of our network, so we prefer you go in-network.

Our premium just went up 30%, they didn't cover a PENNY of my IF treatment, but please let me worry about what is convenient for them...oh did I have a good chuckle over that one!!!

Tired

So, I have NO food in the house. Seriously, practically nothing. I haven't been to the grocery store in two weeks. Forget about the fact that I haven't had the time...I don't have the energy. The thought of going is just enough to make me cry. And then the thought of having to put stuff away. And COOK?!?! I can't fathom. And not only do I need food for now, I need it for Pesach, or we are going to be some very hungry Jews when we can't even make ourselves peanut butter sandwiches. Of course, we are almost out of bread anyway...
Yes, I am tired. Made even more tired by the fact that my son has a random fever which kept both of my kids and myself up until 5:15am last night. Hubby was able to sleep through it all, until about 5:10 when I screamed at him to get the hell up and help me or I was going to kill him.
And what time did I get to sleep until today? Umm...7:20!! Because not only is there some marathon going right by my house this morning, but my enthusiastic neighbor felt the need to be outside cheering and clapping for EVERY freakin' runner that went by our houses. I went outside and shot him a death glare. It quieted him down...but I'm still awake. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.
Guess I'm not going grocery shopping today either.

Dreams

I keep having dreams...bad dreams. Dreams of this baby dying. Now, I don't necessarily think dreams are omens, but I also wouldn't mind not having these horrible nightmares. And I'm not talking one or two. I mean every night. I don't think I had this much anxiety about this when I was pregnant with my twins. I am wondering if it is because I have become so much more aware of tragedies that go beyond miscarriage (it is hard for me to even type the word). Anyway...don't have anything profound to say about it, just thought I would put it out there. I still have a lot of anxiety.

Vaccines

I'm taking the kids for their vaccines today. Yes they are almost three, and yes, these are their 18 month vaccines. I do not want to get into a debate here about vaccines, but I do take issue with some of them. I taught kids with autism for a long time and I do believe there is a link. So, when the time came for the MMR, I said, "no thank you." And to the chicken pox vaccine, too, because it's NOT a reliable vaccine and I thought it was too new. BUT, they are almost three, and hopefully I will have a baby coming home in a couple of months, so I don't want to risk them actually catching anything. But still, I am so scared. So scared b/c I hate the thoughts of them getting shots, and I also hate knowing that it will be a small amount of poison going into their little bodies. Poison that is not regulated for their size and weight and that I believe can set off a series of bad things in certain kids. And I know they will cry. And it is my fault because I am the one driving them there. But I don't know what else to do. I really hope this is the right thing.

The blow off

I’m a smart girl. I can take a hint. If you don’t call me back, I might call you a couple more times, but then if there is still no response, I get it. I won’t be bothering you anymore. If I repeatedly invite you for lunch and/or playdates and there is always an excuse, it won’t take me forever to figure it out. You don’t want to hang out with me. I get it. I won’t be bothering you anymore.
But here is something I don’t get. If you DON’T want to hang out or get together or chat with me, WHY would you send me a message, write on my wall, or comment on my picture on Fa.ceb.ook saying that you DO want to get together, hang out, or chat? Isn’t it easier just to ignore me? Or if you are one of those compulsive commenters, just say “cute pic.” Do NOT say, “Hey there! Been thinking of you. It’s been so long. I’d love to get together and hang out so we can catch up,” or something like that. Because since I am obviously a loser with not enough friends, you know what my response is going to be? It is going to be, “Great! I’d love to see you. I’m available blah, blah, or blah, and can also do blah, blah, or blah. Tell me what works for you.” And then you are put in the position of having to ignore me to blow me off, when YOU contacted me first, and it was YOUR idea to get together! And honestly, it hurts my feelings!  And it confuses the hell out of me. But I guess I am just not one of those people who says I want to get together unless I really do. And the truth is, I usually DO want to get together with people, because who doesn’t love a nice lunch date? Or a chance to sit back and hang out while watching the kids destroy someone else’s your house?
This has obviously happened to me lately. Twice, in fact, in the past two weeks, and I’m very upset about it. Maybe I take things like this too personally, but it’s just the way I am. So I say all of this, just to say, if any of you ever meet me or “friend” me on Fa.cebo.ok, please don’t say you want to get together with me unless you really do.

Did he seriously just say that to me?

I am sure that given my long absence, I hardly have any readers left at all, but let me just say for the one or two of you that are still out there, alert your husbands that under NO circumstances is it EVER ok to tell your wife that her a$$ has gotten bigger. I don't care how pregnant said a$$ might be.

Just when you think it's safe to go back into the ocean...

I thought I was in the clear. Past all the emotional stuff of IF. And then...there was SB 169. So, I'm going to "come out of the anonymous closet" a little here and say that I live in Georgia. For those of you who need a little bit of background about this bill and what's been going on in this state, SB 169 is titled: Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos. It started out with some pretty offensive wording:

Senate Bill 169 would restrict doctors' ability to perform IVF in accordance with best medical standards. Here were the key provisions:
 No more than 2 or 3 eggs could ever be fertilized in a cycle; if a woman produced more eggs, they still could not be used.
Only 2 embryos could ever be transferred to the uterus, unless the woman is age 40 or over (then a max of 3).
 No extra embryos could be cryopreserved. If they are created, they have to be transferred.
No financial relief, such as insurance coverage, is proposed to help with the added financial burden of using less effective treatment. Patients will still have to pay out of pocket for less effective treatment.
Bans all financial compensation for donor gametes, such as egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo donation, which would greatly reduce the pool of available donors in Georgia.

To say I received a few emails about this, would be an understatement. I was bombarded. And I did was I was supposed to do. I emailed and faxed every senator in Georgia. So did thousands of others. And while the bill was changed so that most of the more onerous language was taken out, it would still have severely restricted our RE's abilities to safe and effectively treat infertility patients. Plus, the bill still gave gave embryos human rights. There is more...and if you want more details, let me know. Again, I did what I was supposed to do. I wrote, called, and faxed. I had my kids dressed and ready to go down to the capitol with me to meet with my senator and beg him not to vote for this bill. And then I got and email from my senator's aide telling me that he was one of the key speakers So I started thinking, why am I going down to the capitol? While it might be a fun adventure, and I might make quite a statement with my twins and 8 month pregnant belly, it might be a major pain in the ass to find parking and then walking a distance isn't that easy for me, plus, I would just be preaching to the choir. I didn't want to just give up if there was a chance I could do something good, so I decided to call the national RESOLVE office and speak with the director to ask her opinion. I called, and here's where I got the shock of my life: I could barely speak through the tears. I thought I was just calling as a concerned party, but one who was past all that emotional IF stuff. But as soon as I started trying to form words, the sobs wracked my body. The humiliation of everything that is a part of IF came back and then some. It's not enough that sometimes I feel like every medical professional in against the bill.Georgia has seen my vagina, now the government wants to be involved, too? Is there no dignity? Once I was able to compose myself, the director told me that I was right and there was no reason to go to the capitol and pull my senator out of the meeting since he has been a huge supporter of us. I hung up the phone with her shocked by my emotions and took some deep breaths. I was, and am still, shocked by the way I broke down. I really thought I was past it all. I am a mom. I am (G-d willing) having another baby in a couple of months. IF doesn't effect me anymore, right? I guess not.

**SB 169 was tabled and then changed, reintroduced and passed. I am waiting to get the next round of emails from RESOLVE to know what my next step will be.

Recipe

Anyone looking for a YUMMY vegetarian recipe?? Try this! It is delish!!!