Isn't it pretty to think so?

The post where I complain about NOT having symptoms

So, this is part of the unfairness of loss. The loss of innocence and faith in your body. The ability to just bask in the joy of being pregnant. Yesterday, I was bending over the toilet retching my guts out, just miserable. Today I feel fine...which makes me even more miserable. What does it mean? Is it gone already? My next u/s is scheduled for Friday. I know I can go in tomorrow if I want to...but I don't want to be that patient. I just don't know though... I am so scared I will lose another one.

Today

So I told my friend today that I needed to cancel dinner on Rosh Hashanah. I couldn't very well tell her that my husband had to work though, as a lot of you suggested. That just isn't something that would happen on RH. I told her that I might have to have surgery and I will know for sure Friday, but that I wanted to cancel now so she would have a chance to make other plans, or at least go to the grocery store. I feel really guilty being so evasive, but I didn't know what else to do. I hate thinking that we will be alone for the holiday. And no matter what I am going to need to prepare some special foods. I can't let the holiday go by with nothing...

On another note, I have been so sick feeling that I am afraid that my HCG is still going up and I am growing a big, "irregularly shaped," empty sac. I would be lying though if I said I wasn't getting my hopes up that there was a miracle and all of a sudden this pregnancy is taking a turn for the better. I am. And that scares me because I don't want to get my heart broken again with the same pregnancy. I think one heartache per pregnancy is enough.

Excuses

So, I have mentioned before that I am not open w/ my struggles with IF and loss. I feel that it works better for me that way. I can't deal with wondering what people are thinking about me or if they are feeling bad for me. Or, frankly, I feel that if they don't know, they can't say anything stupid that will piss me off, which makes it easier to preserve my friendships. Anyway, when I had my last FET in July and I needed to be out of commission for a few days, I told my friends that needed to be told something that I was having a biopsy and that everything turned out fine. That was the end of that story. Now, one of those friends and her family are planning to come here for Rosh Hashanah dinner next week. I think I need to cancel on them. Since I will most likely get more bad news on Friday and have to have the D&C next week (way to ring in the fucking new year-who says Gd doesn't have a sense of humor?), I really don't think I will be able to host a dinner. Do any of you have any ideas for what I can say? I can't think of a single excuse that would work...

More nothing

Just got a call from the nurse. My numbers fucking went up...a LOT. Fuck. This is not a good thing. this is prolonging the fucking obvious. According to ME, they should have been 66,000, since on Wednesday they were 11,000. Today, they were 44,000. My nurse said that they don't double every 48 hours so 44,000 is fine as far as the numbers go. But since there is no fetal pole and the sac is abnormal, she admitted that it is most likely going to end and she has never dealt with this so I should probably call the doctor to talk to him (um...she declined to give me his cell number). They wanted me to go in of Friday for another u/s, but I am so afraid of having a D&C on Rosh Hashana, so I asked if I could do it Wednesday instead. I just want it all over asap so I can start medicating myself into fucking oblivian.

Nothing

No heartbeat
No fetal pole
Miscarriage #6 is upon me
This will be my first D&C. I do not know who will do it yet b/c my RE is not on my insurance and it doesn't need to be done by him. He asked me what he could do for me. I left with a prescription for Ativan and Prozac.

Scars

I have a scar on my lower abdomen. It barely shows. It is so light, but I know it is there as I have two constant reminders of it.

I have other scars, too. They do not show in the same way. They are not raised, pale lines that fade a little each day. They show in my slumped shoulders and in the purple smudges under my sad eyes. They show in the raggedy fingernails that I do not have the energy to file and in the stringy hair that I used to take pride in. Like the first, these scars are from bloodshed, too. But not from a cut that brought life into the world. They are from the blood of loss. Blood mixed with tears at another failed pregnancy or cycle. If I keep going, continue on the path I am on, the scars may get ripped open again, deeper. Will they heal? But if I stop, if I say, “No More,” will they fade? Or will they fester…develop infections, always burning and throbbing, and become my daily reminders of what is missing from my life and what I gave up on?

26

That's my hcg level. And not in a, "Woo hoo! I'm pregnant!" kind of way, but more like a, "Motherfucker, why won't it come down all the way?" kind of way. You know the kicker? When Nurse Laura called to tell me, b/c you know she's from Dr. McBitch's office, she told me that I needed to take care of getting it checked somewhere. Didn't ask me if I wanted to come in and get it check there so they could COMPLETE WHAT THEY STARTED WITH ME! But just, figure out a way to take care of it on my own. Which obviously, I will. Fuck them.

So tired

I am so damn tired I can't see straight. I have no patience. Everyone and everything is making me crazy. I need a break so badly...from my life. Depressed? Yes, you could say that. My patience is so short, I am starting to think, "well maybe it's a good thing I just lost this pregnancy because obviously I can't handle stress." But then I don't know if I am just reacting to the grief. I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know what doctor to go to next. I don't know what protocol to follow. I don't know what to make for dinner. I just know I need to sleep...for a long long time.

All gone

The bleeding has stopped
I thought I would feel better
There is nothing left

He said

"Why are you still upset? It's been a week already."