Isn't it pretty to think so?

threats

He's threatening divorce again. I don't know what to do. I didn't do anything. He's just not happy. I am...if not happy...committed. I love his good points. But I no longer trust him. I have so little time to blog now b/c I moved my baby into the office so I rarely have time on my computer, so I know that this is short and choppy.

I feel like I am losing a limb. I am in limbo...he tells me he is trying to figure out if he wants to stay married to me. What am I supposed to do with that? 

We are going to dinner tomorrow night. Is this a test? We went to dinner last week and everything was great. I don't know what to do anymore.

I wish I could go back in time.

My morning

If you are blond, I hate you. Not YOU, the one who has blond highlights added (like me), or the one who is dirty dishwater blond. But you know… the one who has perfect straight, shiny, long, beautiful white blond hair. And if you are skinny, I hate you, too. Especially if you have perfect perky boobies. And if you make it a habit of wearing pearls with EVERYTHING you wear, including sweatpants and a baseball cap, I hate you. And if you have one of those cute little southern accents that makes me know for sure that you were in the snottiest sorority at my southern college, I hate you. And if you are all of those things AND you were at my fertility clinic this morning, with your adorable red headed three year old boy, I can’t even tell you how much I fucking hate you, but I do. And you made it worse, because it’s not enough that you were there with him, looking around, smiling and apologizing to everyone for bringing him (what the fuck were we supposed to say?), but in the midst of the silent awkwardness that all fertility clinic waiting rooms are anyway, you had to read out loud to him?!?!? And as if The Berenstein Bears wasn’t bad enough, did you really have to follow it up with the freakin’ Holy Bible (New Testament Version for children, of course)? I mean, I know we’re in the south, but come on!!! There are Jews hanging out around here, not to mention people really stressed out, in the middle of fertility treatment, who don’t want to hear you read about Jesus to your kid. So, if you are that person, I hate you! You ruined my morning even more than it was already ruined by the fact that my dog peed on the floor, I didn’t have time for coffee, I got caught in traffic, and Hubby and I have been fighting all weekend (which is to be expected given my transfer day is tomorrow). Oh yeah, and I’m still upset about the fact that my birthday was Saturday, and in one stroke of the clock my fertility rates just went to um…what is it? One in a million? Yeah…something like that. So…I hate you.

***And by the way, I’m still waiting to hear about my blood work from this morning letting me know that I can do the transfer tomorrow. I haven’t heard yet, and I’m starting to FREAK OUT!!!

***Well, I guess that whole "Positive attitude" thing went to hell, huh?

Assuming I ovulated

Well, I guess I’m in the 2ww. I finally stopped getting positive OPKs, so I guess I can assume that I ovulated…? Maybe? And I guess this means that I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my lovenox and prometrium, but somehow that just seems like one extra chore since I have ABSOLUTELY no faith that I am going to get pregnant. And honestly, you know the sick thing about this? There is a big part of me that doesn’t even want to get pregnant on my own. I want to do my FET, because if I do an FET, I have a chance of having twins again, and I want twins. Because there is no way in hell my husband will let me try to have FOUR children.

Is he kidding me?

So…got my period (after my 42 day cycle)…got my hysteroscopy scheduled for next Tuesday…got a phone call from Hubby telling me that he is switching our insurance TOMORROW and my new RE is not a part of their plan. HELP!

4 DPT…HPT= NEGATIVE

Shocking...isn’t it? I know it’s too early, but I tested anyway…just hoping. Of course, I am 100% completely sure that this cycle did not work, so I know even if it were later on, it would be negative. I feel nothing (physically, I mean). Emotionally, I’m a mess. I’m supposed to take my kiddies to arts & crafts today, but I think I will skip it because they can be hard to get into the car, and I don’t want to fight them…I don’t know, maybe it will be good to get out of the house though.

 

Yesterday I went to see a therapist. She was amazing. I had met her before my first IVF when my husband and I went to our required session, and I loved her. I never went back to her b/c she is not on my insurance policy. But…I finally went back. I am hoping she can help me. I couldn’t believe some of the things I said. It is amazing what you can say (or even think) when you are in a safe place. And pushed to the limit. I realized just how unhappy I am with my husband. How unhappy he is making me. How he is not meeting my needs. His lack of a desire to grow up, care for me. It scared the crap out of me, because I kept saying “I don’t want a divorce,” which makes me think that it is a possibility. Luckily, my therapist is not a proponent of divorce. She claims that is a very “invasive procedure,” and wants to help me (us) be able to work things out. The funny thing is, my husband probably has no idea how I feel. My therapist said that he is “dishonoring” to me. I agree with that. But I miss him. He is not home right now. Got called in to operate at 5:00 am, and now I miss him. I would miss him so much if we were not together. I hope things get better between us. I hope this is just the stress of the fertility stuff. Either way, it feels good to know that someone else is on my side, in my corner, who maybe has the tools to help me. She recommended a book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Anyone ever heard of it? I guess I will get it today maybe...and maybe tomorrow I will get a positive test..

Not sure where to go from here...

Yesterday was my FET. As usual, the day before, my husband started in on me that he is not sure what we should do…we should cancel the cycle. He doesn’t know if he wants more kids. We never have sex (mostly b/c he doesn’t want to…as he tells me he is not attracted to me). He never gets to sleep late anymore. Babies cry too much. We don’t have anything in common (his example of this is that I don’t like the brown curtains we have up in the bedroom that he picked). He does this to me every time.  It makes me question his love for me, and I find it incredibly abusive. He upsets me to the point that I can’t eat, sleep, breathe, or stop shaking. Something really hit home yesterday evening, b/c he came home w/ flowers for me. It sort of scared me b/c I hear/read about men beating up their wives and then giving them gifts, flowers, etc…and I sort of saw a parallel w/ this.

Through the course of our argument, I asked him to look at me while he was talking to me. He said no, b/c I wasn’t going to tell him how to live his life. He claims that I make all the decisions in the house. I asked for an example. He gave me three: the house is kosher, I picked the bowl he was eating out of, and the spoon he was using. I don’t know what to do w/ that info. I asked him before we got married if we could keep a kosher home…he said yes.  When we got married, he was very picky about the kitchen stuff we got, so I know that I got his approval on the silverware…in fact, I remember him going w/ me to BB&B to pick them out. And finally…I just bought the bowls recently, and it was b/c I was browsing on-line and saw them. I thought they were beautiful, so I showed them, and he said, “get them!” So I did.  This is not to say that I ask permission for every thing that I do…or that I would take a “no” well…but if he gives me the go-ahead…I don’t want to hear about it after. Just like, if he is all for having more kids…I don’t want to hear in the 11^th hour, that he is having doubts….not after weeks of meds, u/s, $$$, etc. And he knows…I want more children more than I want air. It is my lifelong dream to have a big family. I understand that fertility is stressful, and that some men just can’t handle things…but I wonder if anyone else out there knows what this is like to go through. And since I am new to blogging, and no one reads my blog…I have no way of finding outt! Hmmmm…how’s that for a predicament??

Anyway…I am supposed to be taking it easy this weekend, and not lift the kids. He said he would help me, but he is not really helping so much. He is making me nag him…ask him to do every single thing instead of just doing what needs to be done. I hate that. I don’t like to feel like a nag.

OY!! I didn’t start this blog to complain about my marriage…why is that all that I am doing?