Isn't it pretty to think so?

Lots o' matzoh

Let me tell you how much I love almost all of the Jewish holidays. The foods. The customs. The stories. Seriously, I love them. I think they are so much fun, and I love seeing my kids enjoy them, too. But now let's discuss Passover. Passover, my friends, is kicking. my. ass. And I truly hate it. Is it bad to hate a religious holiday? I don't want to hate it. I want to love it. I want to feel connected and inspired. My kids are loving it (thank G-d). They learned so much about it in school, and are having so much fun telling me the story of Moses (over and over). And they have no idea of my true feelings about it. They have their fun Pesach toys. We went crazy hiding and finding the afikomen. They love matzoh with cream cheese, so they are happy. But for me? Even if we take the "preparing of the kitchen before hand" out of the equation, I just really do not enjoy this holiday. It didn't help that this year I had to host two seders. That's right. We didn't get invited anywhere, and while I could have gone to a community one, Hubby really didn't want to, and in all fairness, it started really late and would have been extremely difficult with the kids. So we had people here. Probably not the best idea for someone having a baby in a month to host two HUGE dinners. But what really gets me, time and time again, is the food. I hate it. It would be so much easier if I was a meat eater (or Sephardic). But as an Ashkenazic Jew AND a vegetarian, I am really miserable. How much matzoh can one person eat? My diet the past three days has consisted of: matzoh, tomatoes, avocados, cheese, hardboiled eggs, and macaroons. I am very concerned that I am not getting the protein that I need, which truthfully, has been a source of concern for me throughout this entire pregnancy. And while I know that I only have five days left, and then I can go back to my high protein ways (yeah right) of peanut butter and chocolate milk), for now it seems like an eternity away.
So for those of you celebrating and enjoying, Happy Pesach. For those of you enjoying your chocolate eggs today, Happy Easter. And if anyone has any idea how to make the rest of this holiday more palatable for me I would love to hear your advise.

Yom Kippur

I would love to write and say that I have had a good and meaningful Yom Kippur, but I have spent the majority of it wiping my nose and pressing on my boobies to see if they still hurt. They don't and it's freaking me out. I wish I could enjoy being pregnant, but it is so hard to trust what usually gets messed up. I am so scared. I hope Gd understands that I didn't mean to think of myself all day today. And I hope this thing inside of me is still alive.

The perfect response

We've all thought about it or written about it or read about it: what NOT to say to someone dealing with IF/pg loss. I would like to say that I just got an email from a friend who said the RIGHT thing...and I got goosebumps. I feel like someone put balm on my sunburn. Like I can breathe better because 1 ounce of the ton that I have been carrying around has been lifted and given to someone else who cares about me and will help me shoulder the burden.
Let me give you some background. I have a friend, J, who I have known about 11 years. We became friends about 10 years ago and GOOD friends about 9 years ago. We were "single" together...and hated it. All we wanted was to get married. We commiserated about everything single...not like Carrie and Co., but more like nice Jewish girls who just wanted to get married and have babies. We endured "Singles Events" and jdate together. We cried at having to go to ANOTHER Matzoh Ball (if you don't know what that is...you're lucky). We were extremely close and hung out all the time. She was much more "earthy" than I, and we complimented each other in a way that I haven't had with many friends in my life. We were always so honest with each other and could talk about anything and often did. We were each other's support systems. I remember sitting at work and having a conversation with her via email the entire day...EVERY DAY! Nonstop. It was so much fun. Anyway, I am talking in the past tense because the day after I got married, J moved to Israel to be with her family who had made Aliyah* years earlier. It was horrible for me. Not at the time, because I went on my honeymoon and then got pregnant...and had a miscarriage, so I had other things on my mind, but when she left, it left a huge whole in my life that I still cry about.
Yes, we are still friends, but our friendship is not what it was. I don't know how it could be. We speak maybe two times a year. She doesn't have skype (not sure why) and I don't have an International calling plan (not sure why). We email, but who has time to email that often with life and stuff. She has since gotten married and had a baby.
She emailed me the other day to chit chat and ended up telling me that she is worried because she has not ovulated in almost a year. She asked me what was going on with me because she knows I have said I want more children. I told her a little...she already knew a little, so now she knows a little more. I ended my email by saying this, "Don't feel like you have to email me back w/ something profound...there is not much to say, that's why I don't talk about it." Her PERFECT response to me was this, "Ok..I wont say anything profound...how about I'll add you to my weekly prayer when I light shabbat candles. And one more thing....I'm sorry for your frustrations and losses, ok? I know this must be sooo hard!" That, dear Internet is the perfect response...from a perfect friend! I wish we all had friends who knew just what to say to us. And I wish she didn't live so freakin' far away...

Btw-this is my 99th post. Does anyone have any good ideas for what to write for my 100th post? I'm afraid it is going to be boring!!

*immigration of Jews to Israel

Losing my religion

I have mentioned before that I am Jewish. I love being Jewish. It is a huge part of my identity. I love almost everything about it: the traditions, the holidays, the songs. But Judaism is a bit of a struggle in my house. While my husband is Jewish, he does not enjoy religion as much as I do. He does not see the value in it and questions the existence of G-d (how’s that for a doctor having a G-d complex?).  For me, Friday nights mean Shabbat. Light candles, say prayers, enjoy a beautiful dinner, sing songs…I love it. For my husband, Friday night means, “Woo hoo, the weekend is here!” It has been a constant battle to get him to stay home with me, and while the battle has died down lately, I feel he is very resentful. In truth, I personally go through my own ups and downs with G-d. Lately, we’ve been on the down side of things. I’m hurt, angry, and resentful of G-d. I don’t want to keep His day special. I feel so betrayed by him. I have been reading about so many good people who have endured so much. It is very difficult for me: When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I think I need to read the book because I want to understand. I want to know why some people can have children and others can't. I want to know why there are sick children. It is so hard for me to grasp that.

I know that if I told my husband that I didn’t want to celebrate Shabbat anymore and I didnt want to keep the house kosher, he would be thrilled! He could go out Friday? Yippee! He could have a lobster in the house? Hallelujah! This past Friday, I was so depressed and out of it, I almost agreed to go out to a restaurant for dinner. But then I remembered that I had made a promise to myself that I was going to raise my children to love their religion and Shabbat. And already they do. They know that when I say, “It’s Shabbat!” they get to give tzedakah, see me light the candles, eat challah, and say “Amen.” It is a big deal, and they love it. So as difficult as it was for me Friday, I made Shabbat for my family. I felt good about it, but I still don’t feel so good about G-d (ie: I did Shabbat, now where’s my baby?). I want to feel good about Him. I don’t want to doubt Him, but I don’t know if my faith is strong enough. I think it was at some point, but when your faith and religion impact your marriage in a negative way, it can be difficult to maintain.  That, in addition to all the heartache I see in the world…faith is a struggle.

A final thought: I don’t see myself ending my relationship with G-d. As I stated at the beginning of this post, I really love being Jewish. But I can’t be the only one of us who struggles with this. Who occasionally wants to throw in the towel with G-d. So my question is…when it’s been tested, how do you maintain it? Your faith? Your religion? Your beliefs? I need to know…

“Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

So, here is another post about a friend of mine: RS. RS and I met first when we were five years old in Sunday school, although she doesn’t remember that. We met again when we were 13 in our synagogue youth group. We became great friends. Interestingly, we rarely shared friends. Her friends never really liked me, and I think she didn’t really like my friends. Either way, from that point on, for the next five years, we were close to inseparable. We were summer camp counselors together and babysat together on the weekends. I went away for college, and eventually settled in the city I am in now. RS stayed home a couple of years before going away to school. With my encouragement, she eventually moved here to. Sadly though, she didn’t stay here. After a few years, she met a guy and started a long distance relationship. And I mean loooonnnng distance. Bicoastal! I didn’t quite understand their relationship. They didn’t see each other very often and seemed to fight all the time. On one occasion, she expressed that she was with him because it was easier than being single, but they stayed together, and after several years she moved to be with him. Her move was very difficult for me. I had just gone through an excruciating breakup, and her leaving was quite painful.  Time went on though and our friendship continued. As did her relationship.

Then, I got married…she was a phenomenal bridesmaid. So helpful and attentive. I do not think I could have survived the week before the wedding without her. Then, sadly, I had my first two miscarriages. And while she knew about them, she never (I repeat, NEVER) asked me how I was handling things or offered support. I actually confronted her about it one time. She told me that she figured if I wanted to talk about it, I would have brought it up. Well…that’s one way to look at it, but I was hurt. After that, I never told her about my IF or subsequent miscarriages. I concluded that we were in different spots in our lives and there was no way she could have understood what I was going through. (But I still think she should have offered her support).

When I gave birth, she came for the bris of my son. She was such a help. You know you have a true friend when she takes care of your son’s freshly circumcised penis because it makes you cry to look at it. She cried when she left that time because she was going to miss my babies so much. I love her for that.

Recently, she finally got engaged. I have my own issues with this. On one hand, it’s about time! From a personal point of view though, it bothers me that he is not Jewish. Judaism and synagogue life was always a huge part of RS's life, and she has given it all up. I hope I don’t offend or alienate any readers by saying this, but I am not a huge fan of interfaith relationships in general. More on that, perhaps another day. In the end, I know that she is happy with her fiancé, and that makes me happy for her. I wish her only the best. She is such a wonderful friend, and after everything we have been through, I know I can count on her for most things.

Her wedding is in a few weeks now, and I am going to be a bridesmaid. I went to her shower and she came here so I could give her her present. Unfortunately, due to weather, the concert was canceled and she got this instead!

I wrote a toast to read for her wedding. I hope she likes it. Here it is

R and A
you’ve been dating a while
We’re glad you finally made it
down the aisle

The love that you share
Is honest and true
It’s why we’re all here
to celebrate you

 R I’ve known you
For years and years
We’ve seen each other through
Laughter and tears

But the tears have lessened
and the laughter increased
when your wild and crazy single days
abruptly ceased

You met A and now the two of you
Have quite a history
But love, they say
Is such a mystery

You moved out west
Went camping and riding
A trip to las vegas
It was all so exciting

So for everyone here
Who wants to know the truth
I’m going to fill you in
On some of R’s youth

 With her bright red hair
And personality to match
Everyone knew
She was quite a catch

 We had so much fun as camp counselors
Or pulling off USY pranks
Did I mention she had
A bit of “teenage angst?”

 But every time I’ve needed her
She’s had a hand to lend
I’m so fortunate and blessed
To say she is my “friend”

 And while I’ve had the privilege
of watching you mature
R, you’ve become a beautiful woman
Who A clearly adores

 Now A, it’s true
I don’t know you so well
But you seem like a nice guy
That much I can tell

 And while I’m not one
To get all misty and sappy
It’s obvious that you make
My friend very happy

 So this is it
You two have wed
The veil has been lifted
The “I do’s” been said

The love you feel today
May it help you conquer life’s impasses
To much love and health and happiness
Forever…we lift our glasses