Isn't it pretty to think so?

Just when you think it's safe to go back into the ocean...

I thought I was in the clear. Past all the emotional stuff of IF. And then...there was SB 169. So, I'm going to "come out of the anonymous closet" a little here and say that I live in Georgia. For those of you who need a little bit of background about this bill and what's been going on in this state, SB 169 is titled: Ethical Treatment of Human Embryos. It started out with some pretty offensive wording:

Senate Bill 169 would restrict doctors' ability to perform IVF in accordance with best medical standards. Here were the key provisions:
 No more than 2 or 3 eggs could ever be fertilized in a cycle; if a woman produced more eggs, they still could not be used.
Only 2 embryos could ever be transferred to the uterus, unless the woman is age 40 or over (then a max of 3).
 No extra embryos could be cryopreserved. If they are created, they have to be transferred.
No financial relief, such as insurance coverage, is proposed to help with the added financial burden of using less effective treatment. Patients will still have to pay out of pocket for less effective treatment.
Bans all financial compensation for donor gametes, such as egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo donation, which would greatly reduce the pool of available donors in Georgia.

To say I received a few emails about this, would be an understatement. I was bombarded. And I did was I was supposed to do. I emailed and faxed every senator in Georgia. So did thousands of others. And while the bill was changed so that most of the more onerous language was taken out, it would still have severely restricted our RE's abilities to safe and effectively treat infertility patients. Plus, the bill still gave gave embryos human rights. There is more...and if you want more details, let me know. Again, I did what I was supposed to do. I wrote, called, and faxed. I had my kids dressed and ready to go down to the capitol with me to meet with my senator and beg him not to vote for this bill. And then I got and email from my senator's aide telling me that he was one of the key speakers So I started thinking, why am I going down to the capitol? While it might be a fun adventure, and I might make quite a statement with my twins and 8 month pregnant belly, it might be a major pain in the ass to find parking and then walking a distance isn't that easy for me, plus, I would just be preaching to the choir. I didn't want to just give up if there was a chance I could do something good, so I decided to call the national RESOLVE office and speak with the director to ask her opinion. I called, and here's where I got the shock of my life: I could barely speak through the tears. I thought I was just calling as a concerned party, but one who was past all that emotional IF stuff. But as soon as I started trying to form words, the sobs wracked my body. The humiliation of everything that is a part of IF came back and then some. It's not enough that sometimes I feel like every medical professional in against the bill.Georgia has seen my vagina, now the government wants to be involved, too? Is there no dignity? Once I was able to compose myself, the director told me that I was right and there was no reason to go to the capitol and pull my senator out of the meeting since he has been a huge supporter of us. I hung up the phone with her shocked by my emotions and took some deep breaths. I was, and am still, shocked by the way I broke down. I really thought I was past it all. I am a mom. I am (G-d willing) having another baby in a couple of months. IF doesn't effect me anymore, right? I guess not.

**SB 169 was tabled and then changed, reintroduced and passed. I am waiting to get the next round of emails from RESOLVE to know what my next step will be.

I forgot how stressful this can get...

I have had a pain around where I think my left ovary is for a while now. Does that mean I will miscarry?
I accidentally and without thinking, lifted my 30 lb daughter (as she was trying to eat my son). Does that mean I will miscarry?
I am suddenly not tired. Does that mean I will miscarry?
I am fighting like crazy with my mother and it is really causing me stress. Does that mean I will miscarry?

I am so jealous of people who are just able to be pregnant and enjoy it without all the fear. I have wanted this for so long...I wish I could just be happy and secure in this pregancy. Monday I go for another beta. I hope it is high. If it is, I will probably feel good for about a day, and then start analyzing everything until my u/s. It is such a nonstop ride (even if everything goes perfectly): happy, scared, relieved, happy, scared, relieved, repeat.

6 and 7 DPT

Yesterday I POAS again. I had  line. I called the nurse hysterical, and strong armed her into letting me go in today for a beta, "Even though it won't show us anything." I think i am probably making a mistake, but I don't know what else to do. I need to go asap to see if the second beta doubles. I hope I have a high number today. Will post later.

4 DPT

My mom and I had exciting plans today to go to brunch and then go to the grocery store. As we were all getting ready this morning, I had several thoughts: 1) I'm too hungry to wait to go to brunch and 2) I'm too tired to go to the grocery store. These thoughts were of course followed by the thought that: 3) shit, I need to go POAS!!
Ok, Internet...I really need some prayers and positive thoughts now. I got a positive test. Now, it's light, but I wouldn't expect otherwise this early in the game. That said, it's NOT an "imaginary" line. It's for real. There is no denying it. Before the congratulations start coming in, please remember, this is my SIXTH pregnancy. So, while I am thrilled, I am also petrified. And, I have to wait until Friday (that is six days away!!!) for my beta!
I will be testing tomorrow and praying that the line is still there and darker.

3 DPT

Goodbye: Positive Attitude

Hello: stress, fear, resignation, shame, disappointment, worry, resentment, sorrow, pain, tears

 

The “twinges” I was having have definitely stopped. I am not happy. I am afraid my embryos died. Damn...usually I make it until at least 4 dpt before I completely lose it.

Converstation with myself in the bathroom

You know it's not going to tell you anything at this point, right? You know you are throwing money away and will get no piece of mind. You didn't trigger, so you are not checking to see if the hcg is out of your system yet, and at 2 dpt...2 DPT you cannot possibly get a positive. That said, if it is negative, you won't be disappointed because you KNOW it's going to be negative. It's what you are expecting. But if, by some amazing miracle of G-d (who I'm sure has nothing better to do), your embryos implanted IMMEDIATELY and started giving off HUGE amounts of hcg, maybe you could be the first person EVER to get a positive test at 2 dpt. They are 6 day blasts you know, so there is that possibility. But seriously, it is going to be negative, so just pee already and stop obsessing.

note: I think I just became the biggest idiot. Who else tests at 2 dpt? Here's a shocker (not): it was NEGATIVE.

1 DPT

**children mentioned

Oy!! I am thinking pregnant thoughts, taking pregnant pauses, and wondering if I should be eating pineapple or not.

I’m feeling rather positive right now, as well as more attached to the pictures of my embryos than I have felt for any of my previous FETs. I’m not sure what has changed, but I actually “believe” I am pregnant this time. I hope it is a good sign.

That said, I am having a very difficult time not being as active with my kids as I usually am. I can’t pick them up, and I do not even want them on me because I am so afraid of getting a knee or elbow in my stomach. We are all suffering from it. I feel guilty and I miss them. I know they miss me, too.

Oh wait, what’s that I hear? “Yoo hoo….yoo hoo!” Shit, the pee sticks are calling my name, already!

Help me be strong, People!!!!

Sadly, the valium has worn off…

**children mentioned

And I so enjoyed it while it lasted. Seriously, why don’t they put it in the freakin’ water? The world would be a much happier place!

So it is done. I had the transfer this morning. Two little blasts: one already completely hatched, the other just starting to come out of its shell. My experience basically went like this:

Got dressed. Put on my lucky underwear. Ok, I don’t know if they are really “lucky,” and it’s not as if they were on during the actual transfer or anything, but I’ve only worn them once before: my wedding. They were my “Something Blue,” and were guaranteed not to give me a wedgie (a big fear I had) as I stood under the chuppah. So, I put on my blue granny panties and got ready to go.
I then almost got killed 5000 times in the car ride there (note to self: think twice before asking housekeeper to drive again). Picked up two 32 oz bottles of Evian (sorry Environment, for purchasing plastic), swallowed 7 mg (a compromise b/w me and my RE) of valium and 4 advil, and arrived at RE’s office at 9:40.

I was met by a really nice nurse named Sue. I accidentally called her

Nancy

. Five minutes later, I met another nurse whose name actually was

Nancy

. I’m deciding to take that as a sign that I am extremely in tuned with the Universe today, and will therefore be getting what I want, which is a healthy (twin) pregnancy.

Sue (or Nancy) had me strip and then they walked me to the OR room to check my bladder. I cannot tell if it is full when I take valium. It was not full.

While I downed the second 32 ounces, the embryologist came and talked to me. We’ll call him: Dumbfuck. He handed me the picture of my babies (shit, I’m already in love), and I proceeded to ask him 47 or so questions. I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I said, “I’m sorry, I’m just afraid.” He said, “About what?” (hence the “dumb” part) I told him, “that it won’t work.” His response, “Well, it might not, that’s a real possibility,” (hence, the FUCK part). Either way, the blasts looked great. He said they looked like A/B quality and they were contracting and expanding like they were supposed to. But then he added that they hadn’t expanded all the way yet, but they hadn’t had time for that…I’m trying not to focus on that part.

One more bladder check, and I was good to go.

They did the procedure in the sterile OR, which was new to me. I have always had transfers in ordinary rooms. Dr. Lovely showed me the white spot on the u/s which was the babies after she put them in.

I lay there for 10 minutes, got dressed and left.

Went to acupuncture, where I was told NOT to eat pineapple this week (huh?), and nearly exploded b/c it seems that I still had about 61 ounces of water left in my bladder. That did not make for the most comfortable pincushion session.

Then I came home, ate, and slept.

The hardest part of today is that I didn’t get to see my kids since the morning. I stayed in the basement guest room, because I knew if I went upstairs, they would want me to pick them up and then they would climb on me, and that usually ends up with a knee or elbow in my stomach, and I don’t think that would be good for me right now. It was much harder than I thought being away from them, and after the valium wore off, I cried a lot. I missed them so much.

All for a good cause if this works.

I have had lots of cramping and twinges today, which I love. It makes me feel that my uterus is doing something (like making a nice home for my little babies).

I really hope these stick.

Thank you so much for your positive thoughts and well wishes. It means so much to me, and I’ll accept all the positive energy you can send!

Woo hoo!! I’m PUPO!!! *Pregnant until proven otherwise

Freaking out

My transfer is at 10:00.

I am leaving my house at 9.

I am having my housekeeper drive me because I will be taking valium and don’t have any friends who I can ask (or who know).

I also had a dream last night, that I was hung upside down during my transfer. Wonder how that idea got into my head?

That was followed by a dream that I forgot that I had my transfer and went horseback riding immediately after…and then remembered later.

I am afraid that when I get home I will forget to take my estrogen and progesterone.

I am nervous and shaking and basically scared to death.

I want this to work so badly.

Please send positive thoughts my way.

My morning

If you are blond, I hate you. Not YOU, the one who has blond highlights added (like me), or the one who is dirty dishwater blond. But you know… the one who has perfect straight, shiny, long, beautiful white blond hair. And if you are skinny, I hate you, too. Especially if you have perfect perky boobies. And if you make it a habit of wearing pearls with EVERYTHING you wear, including sweatpants and a baseball cap, I hate you. And if you have one of those cute little southern accents that makes me know for sure that you were in the snottiest sorority at my southern college, I hate you. And if you are all of those things AND you were at my fertility clinic this morning, with your adorable red headed three year old boy, I can’t even tell you how much I fucking hate you, but I do. And you made it worse, because it’s not enough that you were there with him, looking around, smiling and apologizing to everyone for bringing him (what the fuck were we supposed to say?), but in the midst of the silent awkwardness that all fertility clinic waiting rooms are anyway, you had to read out loud to him?!?!? And as if The Berenstein Bears wasn’t bad enough, did you really have to follow it up with the freakin’ Holy Bible (New Testament Version for children, of course)? I mean, I know we’re in the south, but come on!!! There are Jews hanging out around here, not to mention people really stressed out, in the middle of fertility treatment, who don’t want to hear you read about Jesus to your kid. So, if you are that person, I hate you! You ruined my morning even more than it was already ruined by the fact that my dog peed on the floor, I didn’t have time for coffee, I got caught in traffic, and Hubby and I have been fighting all weekend (which is to be expected given my transfer day is tomorrow). Oh yeah, and I’m still upset about the fact that my birthday was Saturday, and in one stroke of the clock my fertility rates just went to um…what is it? One in a million? Yeah…something like that. So…I hate you.

***And by the way, I’m still waiting to hear about my blood work from this morning letting me know that I can do the transfer tomorrow. I haven’t heard yet, and I’m starting to FREAK OUT!!!

***Well, I guess that whole "Positive attitude" thing went to hell, huh?