Isn't it pretty to think so?

Just when things were starting to look up...

Had my wallet stolen today and Hubby told me I was "irresponsible" for not knowing exactly what was in my wallet. Maybe it was irresponsible, but having him tell me that didn't help one bit. And yes, there were a LOT of charges made...to restaurants and gas stations. So stressed and overwhelmed by all I have to do to rectify everything. And nervous. Now someone has my driver's license...and pictures of my kids. Some days I hate people.

Difference

So, Hubby and I have been going to therapy. We have had two sessions already. I feel that things seem to be getting better. More on that another day, but lately I keep flashing back to a brief conversation we had, almost a year ago:

The night we brought Ladybug home from the hospital, she was asleep in her crib and I looked at her. I had tears well up in my eyes and I said to Hubby, "Now there is another person on this earth that I would die for." His response, "Now there is another person on this earth that I would kill for."

I keep thinking of that. Obviously, we were both feeling and stating our incredible love for our daughter and how we would do anything for her...but the innuendoes of our word choices...for some reason, I can't get a grasp. I am not thinking by any means that one of us must love her more...just marveling at how different (similar?) we are, and what our instincts make us say. 

Told him

This morning, after an ugly fight w/ Hubby, I told him...I told him that he is killing me. I told him that he is making me numb inside. I told him to please stop because I don't want to hate him or worse, feel nothing for him, but that is what he is making me do.

I have always wondered why, every time we fight, it feels like my world is ending. Like I don't have ground to stand on, and today I realized. When we fight, as I'm assuming all married couples do, instead of fighting over the issue he turns so ugly and mean. He tries to hurt me (NOT physically). He just insults me and tries to find the things that I am most vulnerable with, and uses those against me. And then when I get upset and cry, he just laughs at me. I know this is wrong. I know it is abusive. He tells me that I make him do those things. That it is my fault. I can't believe it. Does he realize how crazy that is? I don't think he does it on purpose. I don't think he sets out to be like this. But I do think he hates me. I am pretty sure he hates being married to me. 

I always tell him that I do not understand why, no matter what almost anyone else does, he finds an excuse for them. But for me, nothing is ever ok. He blames me for so much and holds me responsible for so many things. Whether it has anything to do with him or not. His response is always the same, "I can't excuse you because you are a part of me." Whatever that means...that he holds himself to high standards or that I am a reflection on him, I'm not sure. I sat down with him today and told him that he can't fight with me the way he has been and think that things will be ok. He might think that he is only hurting me, but (for better or worse) we are married and if he hurts me, he only hurts himself and worse, the kids. I hope think he heard me. Maybe for only a minute...but I feel like there was a glimmer of recognition. Like maybe for a moment, he saw the damage that he is doing...not just to me. 

I want my marriage to work. I really do. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to be divorced. I don't think I could live with myself for failing my children so badly if my marriage fails. How could I shuttle them back and forth between us? How could I go a night without them down the hall from me? I think I would stop breathing if that happened. I can barely breathe just thinking about it...

I really need him to understand how badly he is hurting me, though. And I need it to stop.

Date Day

Ok, so to sum it up...it...was...nice...

After I had a near breakdown in the morning about everything that I had to do...and the tears for the exhaustion of having an eight month old who still wakes up several times a night...and the hysteria for leaving said eight month old with a babysitter for the first time who is way too young to be a nurse maid, we went anyway.

Our date consisted of:

a trip to the fabric store to buy fabric for the chairs that we intended to reupholster

lunch a a sports bar

home depot for stapler and other stuff

target

By the end of the date, I was so relaxed and felt so much like a real person, I was shocked. I was able to let my guard down, which I hadn't been able to do in a few weeks, and actually enjoy myself.

Then of course, it was back to reality and the never ending work that  piles up. Today I will be taking all three kids to a birthday party by myself and then keeping them out for the majority of the afternoon while our house shows...that's right, two and a half years later and our house is STILL on the market. But that's a post for another day. I now have to go and hide everything that makes it look like we actually live in our house because apparently, people are stupid and if you leave as much as a toothbrush out, they can't make their own "vision" of what the house would look like with their things in it and won't buy your house. Whatever

The first time

If you read the title of this post and thought you were getting something steamy, get your mind out of the gutter. 

Wondering how I'm doing today? Yeah...me too...I can't quite get a grasp of my feelings. Still feeling pretty numb and angry, though. He's not home. At work and then going to a dinner for the residents. Oh...no, he didn't tell me that he was going to a dinner or something, so you know, I COOKED dinner and then cleaned the kitchen for an hour, but I should expect that. It's not like I would have starved the kids if I had known that he wouldn't be home, but we would have done something simple like quesadillas or something. Whatever. It's what I should expect by now. 

I just watched an episode of Opra.h. I think it was on last week. The title of the episode was The Ultimate Betrayal. Did anyone see it? In it, Oprah says that the best lesson she learned from Maya Angelou is, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time." Oh...that stings. And how true. Nothing he does surprises me anymore. I'll tell you a story. When we were dating, he was having people over to his house for a BBQ. He was at the store getting stuff. He called me and asked me what I wanted. I told him that I would like veggie burgers (I'm a vegetarian). Fine, great, no problem. Do you see where this is going? Later that day, I was on my way to his house for the bbq  when he called me and told me that I needed to go to the store and pick up my own veggie burgers because he had forgotten. I said ok, that it was not a problem because that is pretty much what I always said to him while we were dating. Inside though, I was very upset and angry. I got the veggie burgers, got on the highway to go to his house and called a friend of mine. She told me to keep driving. Do not go to his house. Now, I know that if I was reading this, I would probably be thinking, "big deal! He forgot your damn veggie burgers, get over it." But I can't get over it because it was a big deal. I felt like he had forgotten about me. I was not important to him. I didn't count. And not only that he didn't remember them while he was there (even though we had talked about it WHILE HE WAS IN THE STORE). And not that he didn't go back himself when he realized. But that when he called me and told me to get them myself, he didn't say that he was sorry. I just knew, even back then, that he didn't care. He didn't feel bad. Like he had inconvenienced me, or...I don't know. Typing it out really makes it seem stupid even to me, but I know that it is not stupid. Here is a man who has never shown me that he cares about me, and I didn't believe him the first time.

**maybe he does care, but he doesn't SHOW it the way I would like it

***I am glad I didn't believe him the first time b/c I have beautiful children from him, so I can't wish for the past to be different...I just wish...oh I don't know

Fabuloso

So, tonight, Hubby has been acting weird. Like...nice. And putting his arm around me...and I am trying to respond, but there is a little piece of me that has died the past few days. I don't trust him. He has already told me that we will go to counseling, and will see if we can be happy together, but if we can't be, then we can't be together. How am I supposed to act now? All giddy and giggly, knowing that he is ok ending us. Of course I'm not happy. I'm aching. I have had a knot in my stomach for days now. I am not supposed to be figuring out how to be w/ my husband. We've been through bad times before...really bad. And I already have some serious scars from him. I don't know how much more I can take. I really feel kind of numb towards him right now, and I know that numbness is not the way to save my marriage.

New topic: My three and a half year old daughter told me tonight as I was getting her into pajamas, "Mom, I really love this day. You are fabuloso!" Seriously...she saved me today.

Date...aka wtf?

So tomorrow, Ladybug turns 8 months old. Eight months, and I haven't been anywhere without her, except a handful of times. Like...maybe three trips to target or something while my mom was visiting. Seriously, during my yearly pap smear, she lay next to me and nursed the whole time. She sleeps in my room--wait, that makes it seem like she sleeps doesn't it? But anyway, she is in there (we don't have a room for her). She sits on the floor with a pile of toys and screams at me when I shower, she is always with me. I love it and I love her, but I'm exhausted. And, you know, it's not just that I have her...I also have the twins, and sick (and somewhat aggressive dog), and a husband to deal with. I feel like the wicked witch of the west...I'm melting.

Anyway, before she was born, I had finally found a babysitter. This was in January of last year. She was amazing. She told me that she was working on her degree and would be around to help me out until May and then was leaving town to do her internship. So for about 5 months, I had a babysitter to help w/ the kids. She came about twice a month and was AMAZING!! Then she left, but told me that she would be back in January for about 5 more months to finish her thesis. Yeay!! I've been counting down the days, let me tell you. So the other day I got a call from her. She is back and wants to know when she can come over. I spoke with Hubby about it. 

Him: Why don't you get her to come for this weekend so we can go out.

Me: Great, when?

Him: How about Saturday night?

Me: Well, you know that's really hard for me because I nurse Ladybug to sleep. What about Saturday day?

Him: Whatever.

Me: Well, what were you thinking we were going to do?

Him: Dinner and a movie.

Me: How about lunch and a movie.

Him: Fine.

Me: Great.

He goes in to work and calls me about 15 minutes later.

Him: Hey, I've got a project for us to do.

Me: What?

Him: We need to get paint and repaint the chairs in my office. Let's do that on Saturday instead.

Me: What the fuck? Sounds great!!!

So, my first day without the baby in eight months. The first time Hubby and I will be able to do anything alone since she has been born, and instead of doing something relaxing, he's making me do manual labor. I can't fucking wait. I would just love it if he wanted to spoil me or help me relax or something. I mean...I am so tired. I need a break. I'm afraid the only thing braking is my marriage...and me.

Sad

So, there is no doubt about it, I am sad. Heartbreaking sad. And I don't know if my husband and I are going to be able to stay married. I don't think he wants to. He says he does if we can be happy. I don't know if we can. But I know, that I would be devastated without him.

Last night when he got home, I told him I was sad for so many reasons. He is a part of it, but not all of it. I asked him if he wanted to know why. He said yes (with a smirk) and wrote all of my reasons down. I thought that I would put them here for your entertainment. I can explain them all at another time:

1. I'm lonely
2. I miss my mom
3. I want to move to Florida
4. my parents are getting older and are eventually going to die
5. my sister won't talk to me
6. all of my friends have moved away
7. the friends that I do have, he doesn't like
8. i don't even like some of my friends
9. i never wanted to be a teacher, yet that is what I was
10. I don't understand our house situation
11. i feel a financial burden
12. I do not feel like I have any part in our money
13. I think my husband likes it like that
14. I feel like my husband thinks I am not his equal because I don't bring in any money
15. my husband resents that I don't have a job
16. I am exhausted
17. i resent that my husband does not appreciate all of the work that I do with the kids
18. He doesn't appreciate that I cook
19. I feel so isolated
20. I want more hugs
21. I never feel like my husband is proud of me
22. When he had surgery, he went to another state to have it and I couldn't go with him...and he didn't care
23. We recently went on a trip to Orlando and he had a conference while I took the kids to the parks. He was supposed to spend the last day in the parks w/ me and the kids, but then didn't do that because he was with his parents instead.
24. I have no one to talk to except him
25. I can't even take medication to help with depression because I am still breast feeding
26. I have to beg my husband for his time.

I know this list is extensive and choppy, but this is what you get when you've been crying for 36 hours straight. I'll try to explain some of the things more later.

The truth

You know what? So...for a long time I dealt with feeling like everyone blinked their eyes and poof they were pregnant, while I struggled silently, all alone. But you know what else? I also feel like everyone blinked their eyes and got these amazing husbands, who lick the ground they walk on, and here I struggle, silently, alone. I do now know what to do. Once a month, for about a week while I ovulate, I hate him and I cry and think really bad thoughts...the rest of the time, I think to myself, that it's not that bad. But never do I think, "wow...what a great guy I got." Guess which week I'm in now? Does anyone else ever feel like this? People...I am not happy. 

Growing up

I took my little one to the doctor yesterday for her one month check up (she's actually five weeks old, but whatever). What I learned was that what I had suspected was correct...she's not that little! Since birth she has gained three pounds and three inches, putting her in the 95th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height, which basically put me over the edge as I realized she is growing up already and will (G-d willing)keep growing and not be my baby forever. I came home and immediately told Hubby I was sad and wanted another baby. True to form, he was quite a jerk about my sadness and desire to have another baby. Keep in mind, I have always wanted a family with 4 or 5 children, so this is nothing new to him. He does not want another baby. I am so angry that I already have that empty feeling that comes w/ IF and loss. I should be basking in the glow of my children and baby. They are so wonderful, but instead I feel grief, because even if Hubby agrees, I know what the chances are...slim to none. I feel like my dream will never come true, and I am so mad at myself for not feeling satisfied with what I have. My life is sooo many people's dream! Why am I sitting here in tears and feeling so alone?

(Btw-it could be hormonal, and it also could be b/c my mom leaves town tomorrow, but whatever it is, it sucks!)