Isn't it pretty to think so?

Doctors

I don’t know where to begin with this post. I’m exhausted (well, that’s nothing new), but today it is from my doctors’ appointments. This is going to be a looooonnnnngggg post. I might have to do it in installments. Today, I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. Plan B at 2:00. I got a call yesterday that Dr. Lovely (who from here on out will be referred to as Dr. McBitch) had a cancellation and I could come in to see her at 3:15. Since I have still not followed up with her regarding my last loss, I took the appointment. Just to recap, my miscarriage was 2 weeks ago. She FINALLY called me back this past Monday, only to tell me that she would call me back on Tuesday…which she never did.

So, there Hubby and I were, at 2:00 waiting for Dr. Plan B. At 2:20, I told the nurse that I had to leave at 3 because of another appointment. I may have also made a comment about time being money and then asked for a credit on my account for the time I was spending in their waiting room, but I’m not admitting to that for sure. Finally, at 2:45 I got to see him. He was very nice. I didn’t even mind that he kept calling me Lori (guess what my name is NOT), but unfortunately, we just didn’t have a lot of time to talk. He said we would not thaw any more of my embryos until we got more information about why I kept losing them. I asked him about several names of big guys that I have been researching and trying to get on board with a treatment plan for me. My first choice is his first choice. Has anyone out there heard of Dr. Kutte.h? He is in

Memphis

and consults for RPL. I will be spending time this weekend filling out his forms so that I can get an appointment with him. Sadly, Dr. Plan B really didn’t have sooo much to offer. He wants to do another biopsy…a mock cycle, and more antibiotics. I’m not sure if he will make me have another hysteroscopy. I hope not. He wants to make sure I’m loaded up with progesterone, and blah blah blah. We had to get out of there quickly and he did not charge me (yes, an RE did not charge me…look out, I’m pretty sure hell is freezing over).

We moved onto Dr. McBitch. She started out by saying that there were a few genetic tests that we need to do on Hubby’s sperm. Here is my issue with that. I do not believe for a millisecond that there is anything wrong with his sperm, because our first two embryos happened to be perfect! (thank G-d) I just feel like for them to say that the six we’ve used since then have had genetic issues that have caused the losses is a cop out. So then she went on to ask if I had contacted Dr. Kutte.h. Here’s where the conversation went from there:

McBitch: He can really do a whole lot of testing. He’s the expert and we’ve thrown the kitchen sink at you and that didn’t work.

Me: Will he do immunologic testing like leukocyte antibody testing?

McBitch: Yes

Me: Hmmm…well, why are you sending me to someone who will do that when I asked you from the beginning to do that and you said that you didn’t believe in it.

McBitch: Well, maybe you should take your care elsewhere.

Me: Maybe I should, I’m just trying to understand if you believe in that test or not.

McBitch: I don’t know if he does or not. It’s not a typical test and there is no clinical evidence supporting it.

Me: But you just said that he does it.
McBitch: I haven’t spoken with him in two years, but I feel like you and I don’t have a good relationship anymore and that you don’t trust me and therefore I don’t think I should care for you.

Me: I agree. I really liked you, and I was very happy with my treatment, but the lack of follow-up care I have received has been extremely disappointing.

McBitch: My partner saw you.

Me: Yes, but my doctor didn’t. And you didn’t return any of my phone calls, and I had a miscarriage two weeks ago and you should have spoken with me before now.

McBitch: I’m not allowed to go on vacation?
Me: I don’t really care if you’re on vacation or not. You can still pick up the phone. And you got back August 4^th. It’s been 11 days! I just paid you $7000 and had a MISCARRIAGE! When my husband operates on someone, he doesn’t wait two weeks to speak with them. Especially if he’s ended up cutting off a limb. I lost a pregnancy…I deserved a phone call.

McBitch: I’m in a group, so I don’t have to call you. You came in and met with my partner. (**aside: I only met with her so she could do an u/s to confirm the loss…) And Nurse Laura called you several times to offer support.

Me: She called me ONCE, and saying, “I’m sorry,” isn’t really support. It’s condolence. Saying, “what can we do?” “do you need a referral to go talk to someone?” “How can we make this easier for you?” That’s support. But that’s not the point. The point is that You, My doctor, did not follow up with me. I think you should just try to look at it from my perspective. It’s continuity of care.

McBitch: I want you to know that I still care about you and would like to know of your future success when you get pregnant.

Me: Well, honestly, that would be a waste of my time.

McBitch: I’ll get a copy of your records. (she left the room then)

Hubby (who had been sitting next to me silently because I ordered him not to speak): I can’t believe how well you handled it. You were so calm and open about everything. You told her everything you felt. I would have been so sarcastic and walked out way before. I’m so proud of you; that was amazing. I can’t believe you didn’t scream or cry.

At that point I burst into tears. I didn’t feel good about the conversation at all. She didn’t get it. She didn’t listen to me or understand my perspective. It is so insulting, as it is. To subject ourselves to this shit. And to fail multiple times. And to pay so freakin’ much money. For her not to GET IT, just broke my heart. I wanted a glimmer of understanding in her eyes. An “Oh…you just went threw shit, and it would have made you feel better if I had called. I guess I should have done that.” But nothing. I wish I felt good about severing my relationship with her, but I don’t. I feel so hurt by it.

On to Plan B….

 

Habitual Aborter

Dr. Lovely still hasn't called me back. I miscarried a week ago. I have not talked to my doctor yet. I have left messages for her with about five different people. She is no longer Dr. Lovely. Please let me know what suggestions you have, because the only name I can come up with is: Dr. Stupidmotherfuckingbitch, and that is too long to type. Her office did call me this morning however, to inform me that I am no longer considered "Infertile," but instead I am a "habitual aborter." So from now on, when I am filling out forms and someone asks my occupation, I think that is what I will write. It seems more interesting than leaving it blank.
Meanwhile, I am wondering if any of you have taken any drugs to help with this crap that you found helpful. Not like, "Woa, dude, i got some rockin' progesterone." But more along the lines of something to make you so numb to the pain, that you didn't give a shit anymore. If so, please let me know what it was. Someone suggested Ativan (sp?) to me. Anyone have any experience with that?
As for how I'm doing. Terribly. I have never had so much trouble with a loss before. i want to curl up and die. And fyi-i know I'm lucky to have kids. I get it. So don't remind me. I still feel like shit.

More

So, Dr. Lovely just fell a notch in my book. I tried to schedule a follow up appointment with Nurse Laura today. I was told that the "team" would be discussing my case on August 11 (who needs it to be fresh in their minds?), and that the soonest Dr. Lovely has available would be the 27th. I can not make it on the 27th because I NEED my husband to be there, so it has to be on a Friday. So it can be on the 29th. If I want to meet with another doctor, you know, someone who doesn't know me from a hole in the wall, that can be arranged sooner. I tried to explain that I find that to be poor patient care and that when my husband performs surgery on someone, he meets with the family IMMEDIATELY after the case...not a month later, but that didn't seem to have much impact on her. I also told her that the dr was welcome to stay late one day or come in early to meet with us. Yeah...um, didn't have much affect on the situation. She told me that Dr. Lovely is on vacation (I don't want to be a bitch, but it sort of pisses me off, envisioning her at a resort in the Bahamas while I'm practically bleeding out) and she will email my concerns to her.
Fuck.
Oh...also, they are very upset that I am refusing to come in to have my betas drawn. I don't see why I should. My betas ALWAYS fall all the way down to zero! No problems with that! Anyway, I told them I will have them drawn when I am there for the follow up and if they are so concerned, they should see me earlier. Fuck them.

Broken

Dear Internet,
I am so broken. I do not know how to get through the day. This has been the worst loss for me. I know I have no right to be sad, as I already have children, so I am sorry if any of you feel offended. And say what you want to try to make me feel better about that, but when I was trying to have my children and was in a support group, I was so angry at the people with secondary infertility who were there. They already had babies, so why were they complaining? And now that is what I am doing.

When I got the call yesterday that my beta has continued to drop, I tried to schedule a follow-up appt w/ Dr. Lovely. I was told that I could have an appointment in 2 weeks with one of her partners (who I have never met), but that she didn't have anything for at least three weeks. Um...what the fuck is up with that? A follow-up with a doctor who didn't treat me? I told the nurse on the phone that they would schedule me with her, and it would NOT be that far away, and that it would be on a Friday to accommodate my husband's schedule. She told me I needed to call back today. So I will do that and have that argument later.

In the meantime, I need to get some information about Immunology testing. Like the stuff from Dr. Beer's office. Natural Killer Cells, Leukocyte antibodies, etc. If you have gone through any of this, please contact me. I am trying to decide if it is the route that I need to go. It is an expensive route, and a controversial one, so I am hesitant.
Thank you!

Sadly, the valium has worn off…

**children mentioned

And I so enjoyed it while it lasted. Seriously, why don’t they put it in the freakin’ water? The world would be a much happier place!

So it is done. I had the transfer this morning. Two little blasts: one already completely hatched, the other just starting to come out of its shell. My experience basically went like this:

Got dressed. Put on my lucky underwear. Ok, I don’t know if they are really “lucky,” and it’s not as if they were on during the actual transfer or anything, but I’ve only worn them once before: my wedding. They were my “Something Blue,” and were guaranteed not to give me a wedgie (a big fear I had) as I stood under the chuppah. So, I put on my blue granny panties and got ready to go.
I then almost got killed 5000 times in the car ride there (note to self: think twice before asking housekeeper to drive again). Picked up two 32 oz bottles of Evian (sorry Environment, for purchasing plastic), swallowed 7 mg (a compromise b/w me and my RE) of valium and 4 advil, and arrived at RE’s office at 9:40.

I was met by a really nice nurse named Sue. I accidentally called her

Nancy

. Five minutes later, I met another nurse whose name actually was

Nancy

. I’m deciding to take that as a sign that I am extremely in tuned with the Universe today, and will therefore be getting what I want, which is a healthy (twin) pregnancy.

Sue (or Nancy) had me strip and then they walked me to the OR room to check my bladder. I cannot tell if it is full when I take valium. It was not full.

While I downed the second 32 ounces, the embryologist came and talked to me. We’ll call him: Dumbfuck. He handed me the picture of my babies (shit, I’m already in love), and I proceeded to ask him 47 or so questions. I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I said, “I’m sorry, I’m just afraid.” He said, “About what?” (hence the “dumb” part) I told him, “that it won’t work.” His response, “Well, it might not, that’s a real possibility,” (hence, the FUCK part). Either way, the blasts looked great. He said they looked like A/B quality and they were contracting and expanding like they were supposed to. But then he added that they hadn’t expanded all the way yet, but they hadn’t had time for that…I’m trying not to focus on that part.

One more bladder check, and I was good to go.

They did the procedure in the sterile OR, which was new to me. I have always had transfers in ordinary rooms. Dr. Lovely showed me the white spot on the u/s which was the babies after she put them in.

I lay there for 10 minutes, got dressed and left.

Went to acupuncture, where I was told NOT to eat pineapple this week (huh?), and nearly exploded b/c it seems that I still had about 61 ounces of water left in my bladder. That did not make for the most comfortable pincushion session.

Then I came home, ate, and slept.

The hardest part of today is that I didn’t get to see my kids since the morning. I stayed in the basement guest room, because I knew if I went upstairs, they would want me to pick them up and then they would climb on me, and that usually ends up with a knee or elbow in my stomach, and I don’t think that would be good for me right now. It was much harder than I thought being away from them, and after the valium wore off, I cried a lot. I missed them so much.

All for a good cause if this works.

I have had lots of cramping and twinges today, which I love. It makes me feel that my uterus is doing something (like making a nice home for my little babies).

I really hope these stick.

Thank you so much for your positive thoughts and well wishes. It means so much to me, and I’ll accept all the positive energy you can send!

Woo hoo!! I’m PUPO!!! *Pregnant until proven otherwise

Mid-cycle check and a few questions...

I wonder a lot what it is like to be a nurse at an RE’s office. You have to be so many things: cheerleader, therapist, and teacher. You have to be sympathetic, empathetic, optimistic, encouraging, and patient. You have to be good at returning phone calls. You get to tell people that their dreams are coming through. You have to be able to tell people that their biggest nightmare is happening.

Today was my mid-cycle u/s check for my FET. I was extremely nervous for some reason. I expected that they would tell me that the transfer cannot be on July 15 as scheduled, since with my other three FETs, they pushed my transfer back a week because I wasn’t ready yet. Nurse Laura came in to do the u/s. She told me we are looking for a lining of at least 6. Mine was 10. She was giggling she was so excited. She pointed out the perfect line they look for to see the layers. I was told in the past it was “fuzzy.” Not today! She said it was the best lining she had seen all day (it was 8:15 in the morning…). She went a little bit over the top when she printed out an ultrasound picture of my lining for me “because it was so pretty.” I told her the next time she handed me an u/s picture of my uterus, there better be a baby in there.

She told me she would call me later with the results of my blood work (I never had mid-cycle blood work before). We wanted an Estrodial level of at least 300 and a Progesterone level of less than 20. My estrogen was 1700 and my progesterone was .2. My betas should only be so good!! So, now I have another blood draw on the 14^th (never had a blood draw before a transfer), and then I’m scheduled for the 15^th. Woo hoo!! I think things are happening.

So…now I have a few questions:

• Are all these blood tests normal for an FET? Or is this clinic just neurotic? I’d love some input.
• Also…I was scheduled to start my Lovenox with a positive pregnancy test. I told them that I was not waiting that long because I never have before, and my pregnancies don’t usually last more than a few days past a positive pee stick. I’m afraid waiting that long would doom me for a miscarriage. I have usually started the day of my transfer. They told me to start 3 days after transfer. For anyone on Lovenox, when have you started it?
• Do you have sex the night before a transfer? It has always been recommended to me in the past with the explanation that the presence of semen is conducive to implantation, but I sort of think that’s a load of crap. I think they said that to make us feel like there was at least something “natural” about the whole IVF. But, Hubby and I have not been in the mood lately, and w/ all the Estrace I’m taking vaginally, I think I would turn Hubby’s penis permanently blue. So, I would rather abstain…When I asked Nurse Laura if we needed to have sex, her response was, “Ew…that would be messy.” She said they do not recommend it, but it is fine if I want to. What does your clinic say?
• What time does your clinic usually do FETs? Mine were always in the afternoon before so that the embryos had all morning to thaw. That way they could see if they were going to survive (you see what good that did me). This time my transfer is at 10am. I am a little worried that that does not give me enough time...
• And finally…if you take valium the day of the transfer, what is your dosage? I have always had 10mg, but Dr. Lovely prescribed only 5. I told them that wasn’t enough for me, but I think that’s all I’m going to get…of course, I have some in my medicine cabinet, so I could always up my dosage.

Safe and Sound

Or so they tell me. My embryos have been moved. They are no longer at Dr. Asshole's office. Instead they are with Dr. Lovely. I hope they weren't hurt in the move. I hope Dr. Lovely knows how to get and keep me pregnant.
You remember how I was confused about whether or not to switch to Dr. Plan B? Well, I have a friend who goes to that practice (different doc). Now it's a huge practice. The biggest one in the city where most people go. They did the biggest screw-up with her! If she hadn't been totally neurotic (which I am all for), they would have thawed and probably ruined all 7 of her embryos! They misread her lining thickness! Told her it was thick when in fact, she only was at about a 5. Her cycle ended up being canceled at the last minute.
That reminds me, has anyone heard of all embryos being frozen at day 2? They did that with hers which means that they need to thaw all of them to give them several days to see which survive to her transfer.
Anyway...hearing about that screw-up makes me feel a little better about my decision to stay with Dr. Lovely, but let's be honest...the end result is all that really counts and until then, who the hell knows what the right thing is.

Dr. Lovely just fell a notch...

My husband is not perfect. Not by a long shot. Not as a man (had to throw that in there) and (more importantly for this post) not as a doctor. He is an orthopedist. Something tells me though, that he has never had a patient say to him, “Hey Doc, did you remember to take that x-ray?” or “Yo, you put the screw in my leg, not my ass, right?” He’s a doctor. He does his job. He does not need his patients to remind him of his responsibilities. So why is it, when it comes to IF, it’s a different story?
Today, through my Metformin induced haze (complicated by a broken air conditioning…don’t ask), I realized that Dr. Lovely had not yet done a trial transfer on me. Hmmm…that’s odd. How is she going to know where to put my embryos? What is going to guarantee that she doesn’t stick them near my spleen or something? I called Nurse Laura and asked her. Her response was, “Of course she did it. She usually does them during the hysteroscopy….oh wait, no…it looks like she didn’t. She must have forgotten.” Um, excuse me? And when was she going to remember? When she had 2 of my little thawed embryos hanging on for dear life at the end of a catheter, and she is left going, “Shit, what shape is her uterus?” Now, no harm, no foul. I reminded them, so it will be done during my baseline check, but still. I don’t want to be in charge. I want to relax and feel that I am in competent hands. Is that too much to ask? (Well, that and for a healthy pregnancy, birth, baby/ies…)

On another note, the metformin is still kicking my ass.

Finally, our air conditioning broke. It got up to 82 degrees before I realized that I needed to rescue my lupron. Do you think it is cooked? Nurse Laura said it is fine, but what would you do?

Get the liquid nitrogen kids, we're going for a ride!

Thank you all so much for your input on Metformin and PCOS. I must say, I am so nervous about starting the medicine, which in a way is silly. I have been through a total of 7 ART cycles and have taken a ton of medicine, but this stuff freaks me out. I will start tonight, and see how it goes.

In other news, yesterday, I went to Dr. Lovely’s office and handed over my signed and notarized form to have them move my embryos from Dr. Asshole’s office. This has been a bit of an ordeal because when I originally called both offices, they told me that they would have nothing to do with helping me move them. That I would have to do it completely on my own. Um…huh? I freaked out and called my nurse. She told me she would talk to the embryologist, which she did and he said he would take care of it for me. But now that they are being moved, I am petrified. I actually feel like (in a crazy irrational sort of way), “SOMEONE IS MOVING MY BABIES!” I am so scared for them. I am so petrified of something happening to them or of them dying. I mean, G-d knows, they are safer outside of me than inside of me, which is so sad. But I don’t want them to get bumped and bruised on the move. And there is a part of me that thinks that Dr. Asshole’s office is such a bunch of assholes that they would hurt them on purpose. And I would never know. All I want is for them to be safe and in my arms (not now in their blastocyst states, that would make me really crazy, but you know…when they get all cooked and cuddly and all).

And I keep thinking of when I went to Dr. Plan B, and he told me, “You want to be here because we have the BEST lab in the city.” And I am not going there, so am I taking my babies to a less than the best lab? Fuck, I’m scared (excuse my language). What kind of mom does that? The kind that is too anxious to wait another month to cycle? Or the kind that thinks that Dr. Lovely’s lab has to be good because her waiting room is so pretty and it has a nice relaxing fountain and everything.

I started acupuncture yesterday. Clearly it is not doing anything to help me remain calm.

Damn it.

An Itty Bitty Bit of PCOS

That is what I have. I got the call today from my nurse telling me that. You see, I have thought for a while that I have PCOS. I have slightly irregular and looonnnng cycles. Plus (ew) a scattering of hair is some places where I’d rather not have it. You know what the pigs say, "not by the hair of my blanky blank blank?" You get my drift. Additionally, whenever I go for u/s, I’m told that my ovaries are polycystic looking, and when I stim, I basically turn into a chicken making a ton of eggs. Omelets, anyone?

Before I left Dr. Asshole’s office, I told them that I wanted to be tested for PCOS. You know…seeing that I have to take my medical treatment in my own hands and all. They checked my insulin resistance and found it to be fine, but they said that I am extremely hypoglycemic (can that get me out of Yom Kippur?). They told me I do not have PCOS, end of story. When I left those stupidmotherfuckers, I expressed my concerns to Dr. Lovely, and she did another test. She said that I can have PCOS and not be insulin resistant. They needed to do a Day 3 LH/FSH test. Turns out my LH is slightly higher than my FSH. Not enough to be classic PCOS but enough to be itty bitty pcos. And I need to start glucophage, which I think is the same thing as metformin. I am a little nervous about this. My nurse keeps saying if I can’t handle 2 pills a day, I should just take one a day. What is so hard about 2 pills a day? What is this drug going to do to me? Besides, hopefully, getting me pregnant and keeping me that way for a lovely 38-40 weeks or so.

Alright…for all of you participating in NaComLeavMo, get 20% of your daily commenting requirement fulfilled and tell me about your Glucophage experience. Or just tell me you love me. When is that show starting up again, anyway?