Isn't it pretty to think so?

The post where I complain about NOT having symptoms

So, this is part of the unfairness of loss. The loss of innocence and faith in your body. The ability to just bask in the joy of being pregnant. Yesterday, I was bending over the toilet retching my guts out, just miserable. Today I feel fine...which makes me even more miserable. What does it mean? Is it gone already? My next u/s is scheduled for Friday. I know I can go in tomorrow if I want to...but I don't want to be that patient. I just don't know though... I am so scared I will lose another one.

For now...

Me (to u/s tech): Listen, I'm expecting bad news, so just give it to me quickly. Tell me there is no fetal pole and then you can get on with your measurements and I will lie here as long as you want me to.
U/S tech: Ok, thank you for telling me. I have tissues if you need them.
Me: I'm fine. I just want to get this over with as quickly as possible.
U/S tech: Alright, let's get started. (inserts wand) Um...I see a fetal heartbeat...

Tomorrow

I can’t even tell you how disgustingly “pregnant” I feel. Please…don’t shoot me. If in fact there is a baby growing inside of me, you won’t hear another word of complaining about it. But since there is most likely a big, empty, irregularly shaped, fucked up sac inside my uterus, causing my hcg to go up without actually producing a child, I feel justified in complaining about how horrible I feel. I have horrible nausea and food aversions. My boobs are killing me. My nose is stuffed (that is a pg symptom for me). And I have been falling asleep at 8:30 every night this week. Like I said, if in fact I actually am carrying a baby, I’ll take it all and more, but it just seems a little like bullshit if I feel this crappy for nothing. You know the funny/ironic thing here? Except for the pregnancy which I had my kids from, I have never made it this far. I am 6 weeks, 5 days. While I know that is “early” by normal people’s standards, for me it is amazing. To make it this far only to find out there is nothing inside me is really going to suck. Did I mention I have been having crushing chest pain all day today? I’m not naïve enough to think it’s a heart attack. I know I’m most likely having a seven hour (and counting) panic attack, but it still hurts…

I don’t know if I want tomorrow to come or not. Tomorrow I will know for sure.

Quote

I heard this on an episode of Without a Trace and it pretty much sums up exactly how I feel, "It's not the grief that destroys us, it's the hope."

Today

So I told my friend today that I needed to cancel dinner on Rosh Hashanah. I couldn't very well tell her that my husband had to work though, as a lot of you suggested. That just isn't something that would happen on RH. I told her that I might have to have surgery and I will know for sure Friday, but that I wanted to cancel now so she would have a chance to make other plans, or at least go to the grocery store. I feel really guilty being so evasive, but I didn't know what else to do. I hate thinking that we will be alone for the holiday. And no matter what I am going to need to prepare some special foods. I can't let the holiday go by with nothing...

On another note, I have been so sick feeling that I am afraid that my HCG is still going up and I am growing a big, "irregularly shaped," empty sac. I would be lying though if I said I wasn't getting my hopes up that there was a miracle and all of a sudden this pregnancy is taking a turn for the better. I am. And that scares me because I don't want to get my heart broken again with the same pregnancy. I think one heartache per pregnancy is enough.

Excuses

So, I have mentioned before that I am not open w/ my struggles with IF and loss. I feel that it works better for me that way. I can't deal with wondering what people are thinking about me or if they are feeling bad for me. Or, frankly, I feel that if they don't know, they can't say anything stupid that will piss me off, which makes it easier to preserve my friendships. Anyway, when I had my last FET in July and I needed to be out of commission for a few days, I told my friends that needed to be told something that I was having a biopsy and that everything turned out fine. That was the end of that story. Now, one of those friends and her family are planning to come here for Rosh Hashanah dinner next week. I think I need to cancel on them. Since I will most likely get more bad news on Friday and have to have the D&C next week (way to ring in the fucking new year-who says Gd doesn't have a sense of humor?), I really don't think I will be able to host a dinner. Do any of you have any ideas for what I can say? I can't think of a single excuse that would work...

More nothing

Just got a call from the nurse. My numbers fucking went up...a LOT. Fuck. This is not a good thing. this is prolonging the fucking obvious. According to ME, they should have been 66,000, since on Wednesday they were 11,000. Today, they were 44,000. My nurse said that they don't double every 48 hours so 44,000 is fine as far as the numbers go. But since there is no fetal pole and the sac is abnormal, she admitted that it is most likely going to end and she has never dealt with this so I should probably call the doctor to talk to him (um...she declined to give me his cell number). They wanted me to go in of Friday for another u/s, but I am so afraid of having a D&C on Rosh Hashana, so I asked if I could do it Wednesday instead. I just want it all over asap so I can start medicating myself into fucking oblivian.

Nothing

No heartbeat
No fetal pole
Miscarriage #6 is upon me
This will be my first D&C. I do not know who will do it yet b/c my RE is not on my insurance and it doesn't need to be done by him. He asked me what he could do for me. I left with a prescription for Ativan and Prozac.

While buying bagels

The lady ringing me up as I bought a bag of bagels (my children singing nearby while they waited for me): They are so cute playing together like that. Two kids is perfect. Don't have three. That will be a nightmare and mess everything up. Believe me, I've been there. Two is good, but if you have three, it will ruin your life.

I had so many responses running through my head...but instead of saying any of them, I just asked for extra cream cheese.

Explanation and update

Sorry if my post yesterday needed more of an explanation. That was just what my husband said to me as an “in case.”  I just didn’t think that that fell into the category of being supportive and encouraging.

Now for my update. I went for my beta yesterday and met with the nurse. I could barely stand I was shaking so hard. I told her when she called me with the results, not to ask me how I was doing. She could assume I would be a wreck. Just say “good or bad.”

She called me at 12:15. She said “Good.” I had to sit down because I felt like my legs were going to give out. Then she gave me my numbers. My HCG was up to 11,056. Up from 2875.  It almost QUADRUPLED!!! Holy shit. That didn’t seem good to me. That seemed dangerous. In a conversation I had with her the other day, she told me that one of the things that they look for when there is a large jump in numbers is an ectopic. She admitted that it was an unusual jump and might be cause for concern. We decided that I should go in for an u/s.

The ultrasound showed a sac in the right place with a yoke sac. When I met with my nurse, she told me that we needed to watch the shape of the sac because at the moment, the shape was not typical.  I waited for the doctor.

When he came in, he told me that everything looked good. I asked about the sac shape and he told me that he was not concerned yet because it was so early (5 weeks, 4 days). Then he said the thing that I wish he hadn’t, “I just need you to come back in next week. We can do another u/s to check that the shape is becoming more typical, and just make sure it’s not molar.” I was speechless. He assured me that he didn’t think it was, but he thought that I would go home and google “high hcg” and that is what would come up, anyway, so he may as well let me know that I would find it and that he was not worried at this point, but that we would know for sure next week. I asked him if there were any markers that might show up at this point, and he said yes, that we would see a “snow flake pattern” on the u/s, which he doesn’t see. I hope he is telling me the truth. I hope that it is not too early to see that and that it is going to show up. I can’t believe he said that WORD to me. In truth, ever since I started trying to get pregnant, that has been an irrational (!) fear of mine. I am so scared. I did go home and google “molar” and among the things I found was that there is some thought that the eggs can develop w/o nuclei because of a lack of protein in the mother’s diet. I am a vegetarian.

Thankfully, my doctor was so incredibly nice. He told me that he knows how incredibly hard this is for me and that if there is anything he can do to make it easier, I should just let him know. I do not know if he was hinting at medicine. I wouldn’t take anything at this point. I just wish…so many things……

So that’s where I am for now. Scared out of my mind.