Goodbye: Positive Attitude
Hello: stress, fear, resignation, shame, disappointment, worry, resentment, sorrow, pain, tears
The “twinges” I was having have definitely stopped. I am not
happy. I am afraid my embryos died. Damn...usually I make it until at least 4 dpt before I completely lose it.
You know it's not going to tell you anything at this point, right? You know you are throwing money away and will get no piece of mind. You didn't trigger, so you are not checking to see if the hcg is out of your system yet, and at 2 dpt...2 DPT you cannot possibly get a positive. That said, if it is negative, you won't be disappointed because you KNOW it's going to be negative. It's what you are expecting. But if, by some amazing miracle of G-d (who I'm sure has nothing better to do), your embryos implanted IMMEDIATELY and started giving off HUGE amounts of hcg, maybe you could be the first person EVER to get a positive test at 2 dpt. They are 6 day blasts you know, so there is that possibility. But seriously, it is going to be negative, so just pee already and stop obsessing.
note: I think I just became the biggest idiot. Who else tests at 2 dpt? Here's a shocker (not): it was NEGATIVE.
**children mentioned
Oy!! I am thinking pregnant thoughts, taking pregnant pauses, and wondering if I should be eating pineapple or not.
I’m feeling rather positive right now, as well as more attached to the pictures of my embryos than I have felt for any of my previous FETs. I’m not sure what has changed, but I actually “believe” I am pregnant this time. I hope it is a good sign.
That said, I am having a very difficult time not being as active with my kids as I usually am. I can’t pick them up, and I do not even want them on me because I am so afraid of getting a knee or elbow in my stomach. We are all suffering from it. I feel guilty and I miss them. I know they miss me, too.
Oh wait, what’s that I hear? “Yoo hoo….yoo hoo!” Shit, the pee sticks are calling my name, already!
Help me be strong, People!!!!
And I so enjoyed it while it lasted. Seriously, why don’t they put it in the freakin’ water? The world would be a much happier place!
So it is done. I had the transfer this morning. Two little blasts: one already completely hatched, the other just starting to come out of its shell. My experience basically went like this:
Got dressed. Put on my lucky underwear. Ok, I don’t know if
they are really “lucky,” and it’s not as if they were on during the actual
transfer or anything, but I’ve only worn them once before: my wedding. They
were my “Something Blue,” and were guaranteed not to give me a wedgie (a big
fear I had) as I stood under the chuppah. So, I put on my blue granny panties
and got ready to go.
I then almost got killed 5000 times in the car ride there (note to self: think
twice before asking housekeeper to drive again). Picked up two 32 oz bottles of
Evian (sorry Environment, for purchasing plastic), swallowed 7 mg (a compromise
b/w me and my RE) of valium and 4 advil, and arrived at RE’s office at 9:40.
I was met by a really nice nurse named Sue. I accidentally
called her Nancy Nancy
Sue (or Nancy) had me strip and then they walked me to the OR room to check my bladder. I cannot tell if it is full when I take valium. It was not full.
While I downed the second 32 ounces, the embryologist came and talked to me. We’ll call him: Dumbfuck. He handed me the picture of my babies (shit, I’m already in love), and I proceeded to ask him 47 or so questions. I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I said, “I’m sorry, I’m just afraid.” He said, “About what?” (hence the “dumb” part) I told him, “that it won’t work.” His response, “Well, it might not, that’s a real possibility,” (hence, the FUCK part). Either way, the blasts looked great. He said they looked like A/B quality and they were contracting and expanding like they were supposed to. But then he added that they hadn’t expanded all the way yet, but they hadn’t had time for that…I’m trying not to focus on that part.
One more bladder check, and I was good to go.
They did the procedure in the sterile OR, which was new to me. I have always had transfers in ordinary rooms. Dr. Lovely showed me the white spot on the u/s which was the babies after she put them in.
I lay there for 10 minutes, got dressed and left.
Went to acupuncture, where I was told NOT to eat pineapple this week (huh?), and nearly exploded b/c it seems that I still had about 61 ounces of water left in my bladder. That did not make for the most comfortable pincushion session.
Then I came home, ate, and slept.
The hardest part of today is that I didn’t get to see my kids since the morning. I stayed in the basement guest room, because I knew if I went upstairs, they would want me to pick them up and then they would climb on me, and that usually ends up with a knee or elbow in my stomach, and I don’t think that would be good for me right now. It was much harder than I thought being away from them, and after the valium wore off, I cried a lot. I missed them so much.
All for a good cause if this works.
I have had lots of cramping and twinges today, which I love. It makes me feel that my uterus is doing something (like making a nice home for my little babies).
I really hope these stick.
Thank you so much for your positive thoughts and well wishes. It means so much to me, and I’ll accept all the positive energy you can send!
Woo hoo!! I’m PUPO!!! *Pregnant until proven otherwise
My transfer is at 10:00.
I am leaving my house at 9.
I am having my housekeeper drive me because I will be taking valium and don’t have any friends who I can ask (or who know).
I also had a dream last night, that I was hung upside down during my transfer. Wonder how that idea got into my head?
That was followed by a dream that I forgot that I had my transfer and went horseback riding immediately after…and then remembered later.
I am afraid that when I get home I will forget to take my estrogen and progesterone.
I am nervous and shaking and basically scared to death.
I want this to work so badly.
Please send positive thoughts my way.
If you are blond, I hate you. Not YOU, the one who has blond highlights added (like me), or the one who is dirty dishwater blond. But you know… the one who has perfect straight, shiny, long, beautiful white blond hair. And if you are skinny, I hate you, too. Especially if you have perfect perky boobies. And if you make it a habit of wearing pearls with EVERYTHING you wear, including sweatpants and a baseball cap, I hate you. And if you have one of those cute little southern accents that makes me know for sure that you were in the snottiest sorority at my southern college, I hate you. And if you are all of those things AND you were at my fertility clinic this morning, with your adorable red headed three year old boy, I can’t even tell you how much I fucking hate you, but I do. And you made it worse, because it’s not enough that you were there with him, looking around, smiling and apologizing to everyone for bringing him (what the fuck were we supposed to say?), but in the midst of the silent awkwardness that all fertility clinic waiting rooms are anyway, you had to read out loud to him?!?!? And as if The Berenstein Bears wasn’t bad enough, did you really have to follow it up with the freakin’ Holy Bible (New Testament Version for children, of course)? I mean, I know we’re in the south, but come on!!! There are Jews hanging out around here, not to mention people really stressed out, in the middle of fertility treatment, who don’t want to hear you read about Jesus to your kid. So, if you are that person, I hate you! You ruined my morning even more than it was already ruined by the fact that my dog peed on the floor, I didn’t have time for coffee, I got caught in traffic, and Hubby and I have been fighting all weekend (which is to be expected given my transfer day is tomorrow). Oh yeah, and I’m still upset about the fact that my birthday was Saturday, and in one stroke of the clock my fertility rates just went to um…what is it? One in a million? Yeah…something like that. So…I hate you.
***And by the way, I’m still waiting to hear about my blood work from this morning letting me know that I can do the transfer tomorrow. I haven’t heard yet, and I’m starting to FREAK OUT!!!
***Well, I guess that whole "Positive attitude" thing went to hell, huh?
It’s getting close to transfer day, and the fear is starting to set in. Here I what I am currently freaking out about:
Today I felt a little like Charlotte
I have been going to acupuncture for about 6 weeks now. I go once a week and can’t decide if I like it or not. Well, today my acupuncturist told me that I needed to do Foot Reflexology today in addition to my regular session ($$). But you know, when someone is dangling a baby in front of you, you’ll do anything, right?
So, 100 needles, $65, and 30 minutes later, a 55ish year old Chinese man comes in to the room and starts looking at my unpedicured feet. I felt a little taken off guard. I mean, I’m used to people looking at my ungroomed vagina (occasionally I skip a wax or four), but my toes? Then he started pushing on various pressure points on my feet watching me squirm and pull away from him, while he said things like, “oooooh,” and “mmmmm.” Seriously, I almost walked out of the room I felt so uncomfortable. Basically, he was trying to find areas that hurt. Guess what? It all hurt! He was pushing on pressure points…HARD! I would say, “Ow!” And he would say, “Ohhh…does that hurt here?” And gesture to his armpits. I would reply, “No, that hurts on my foot!” He explained that it doesn’t really hurt my foot, in fact it is connected to my armpits and pituitary glands and that my endocrine system is basically fucked…I’m a hormonal mess (yeah, I needed him to tell me that). I told him I am taking hormones and just focus on my uterus. He laughed and mumbled something that made me think he did not understand a word I was saying.
In short, I did not enjoy Reflexology a bit. It was nothing like the foot massage I was envisioning, and I will not be doing it again, even though he and my acupuncturist strongly recommend it for next week.
That said, I have decided to take better care of my feet in general in hopes that they will take better care of me. Maybe they can straighten out my armpits or whatever. I think I’ll start with these!
The patient is a healthy 34 or 35 year old woman going through an FET. She and her husband are dealing with fertility problems due to male factor infertility. At the patient’s request, her doctor agrees to put back 4 embryos--as long as she agrees to have a reduction should more than two implant.
I am very disturbed by this, but that is just me and I am an extremely judgmental person. What do you think? Is this is bad medicine? Did the doctor give an abortion ultimatum? Is he more worried about his clinic’s stats than patient care? That’s what I think. With regards to abortion, I think I am pro-choice (not 100% sure, but that is a discussion for another day), but I don’t know if anyone should be that cavalier about it. Especially a doctor. I believe I am of the mindset when it comes to transfers, only put back as many as you want to take home.
This whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Btw-this is a true story. I have a quasi-friend who just put back 4 this morning.
I wonder a lot what it is like to be a nurse at an RE’s office. You have to be so many things: cheerleader, therapist, and teacher. You have to be sympathetic, empathetic, optimistic, encouraging, and patient. You have to be good at returning phone calls. You get to tell people that their dreams are coming through. You have to be able to tell people that their biggest nightmare is happening.
Today was my mid-cycle u/s check for my FET. I was extremely nervous for some reason. I expected that they would tell me that the transfer cannot be on July 15 as scheduled, since with my other three FETs, they pushed my transfer back a week because I wasn’t ready yet. Nurse Laura came in to do the u/s. She told me we are looking for a lining of at least 6. Mine was 10. She was giggling she was so excited. She pointed out the perfect line they look for to see the layers. I was told in the past it was “fuzzy.” Not today! She said it was the best lining she had seen all day (it was 8:15 in the morning…). She went a little bit over the top when she printed out an ultrasound picture of my lining for me “because it was so pretty.” I told her the next time she handed me an u/s picture of my uterus, there better be a baby in there.
She told me she would call me later with the results of my blood work (I never had mid-cycle blood work before). We wanted an Estrodial level of at least 300 and a Progesterone level of less than 20. My estrogen was 1700 and my progesterone was .2. My betas should only be so good!! So, now I have another blood draw on the 14th (never had a blood draw before a transfer), and then I’m scheduled for the 15th. Woo hoo!! I think things are happening.
So…now I have a few questions:
