I took my little one to the doctor yesterday for her one month check up (she's actually five weeks old, but whatever). What I learned was that what I had suspected was correct...she's not that little! Since birth she has gained three pounds and three inches, putting her in the 95th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height, which basically put me over the edge as I realized she is growing up already and will (G-d willing)keep growing and not be my baby forever. I came home and immediately told Hubby I was sad and wanted another baby. True to form, he was quite a jerk about my sadness and desire to have another baby. Keep in mind, I have always wanted a family with 4 or 5 children, so this is nothing new to him. He does not want another baby. I am so angry that I already have that empty feeling that comes w/ IF and loss. I should be basking in the glow of my children and baby. They are so wonderful, but instead I feel grief, because even if Hubby agrees, I know what the chances are...slim to none. I feel like my dream will never come true, and I am so mad at myself for not feeling satisfied with what I have. My life is sooo many people's dream! Why am I sitting here in tears and feeling so alone?
(Btw-it could be hormonal, and it also could be b/c my mom leaves town tomorrow, but whatever it is, it sucks!)
